I am sad and happy yesterday and today.
Yesterday, my honey gave me a sweet short story about our first date.It relived what had happened during that day from the time he was waiting for me to arrive until the time he sent me to bus. He is really sweet. Today, he also showed how much he cares by trying to make me smile though things didn't go right this morning, my resignation to KP. He was there to cheer me up, making funny faces, sending me funny pictures, giving me messages, kisses via skype and random stuffs. I appreciate him. He said he is sad because I am sad and I told him not be sad because I don't want him to be. I want him to be happy so he can drag me to his happiness. But deeply I felt his sincerity. Matt is really wonderful. He makes my heart jump in most unexpected way. By just simply looking at his eyes and his smiles, hearing his laughter an his sweet thoughts, I am like in a cloud nine. He makes me happy despite I am in a very problematic situation. He certainly never fails to enlighten my day. Lovely Matt.
There are lots of things I want to tell him but I can't. Though I almost have told him all the sweetness in my heart, I wasn't yet able to tell him what my heart wants to yell. I want to tell him 'I love you' but I know I shouldn't have to tell him yet. Cause I know he still do not love me. I know how much it will hurt me when I tell him that and he won't respond and tell me he still do not feel the same; that love takes time. 'He just likes me and he cares for me,' as what he always says. I appreciate his words really, but it is more lovely to hear that he loves me like the way I do. But I know it isn't the right time,and I do not want to pick a fruit which isn't yet ripe... waiting makes it more the sweetest. Well, my dear blog, let me shout this on your wall and be with me as I keep it as the most precious emotion that I have now...loving him. I wish Matt really feel what I want to tell him as he said he can read what my eyes what to say. I hope my eyes was able to let him feel that. I hope he knows that I am really willing to take the risk of life with him.
In my heart's sanctuary, you'll find the love I have for Matt.
Matt, my honey, my sweetness,my boyfriend, I wish to feel and realize that i am really your girlfriend once you tell me that you love me. Now I am still day dreaming that you do and that I fool myself with the thought that you are mine and you are my boyfriend. It will only happen once you learned to love me. But when I say I am yours and I am your girlfriend, I wish you know, I am sincere because I am loving you so deeply, now. It is not time that made me feel that I love you Matt, it is my heart who felt it. I tried to guard my emotions yet, it keeps on resisting. I have to shout... I LOVE YOU MATTHEW PAUL CAMPBELL!!!! Thanks a lot for all the great things that you do for me, for wanting to bring me there in your place, to be with you and learn more about you.
Yesterday and today, just seem so sad cause I am frightened with the thought that I will be left again. But I am just taking a courageous step to know you cause I feel it very strong that I need to show you how much I can love you like no one else does. I may not be like your exes who are very well off, beautiful or whatever, I am just Josh who can only give you nothing but my love and life. I am poor in material things but I am rich with love. I am also afraid of what might happen after we meet. Knowing myself, I am very affectionate and I want to be with the man I love as close as possible. I am still not believing that Long distance relationship works, but this is also another big risk,- to believe on this thing that I don't believe. I just trust God's way. I will cry gallons of tears for sure when I'll go back home. But why am I thinking of that which doesn't even starting yet? I do not want to spoil the excitement and happiness, I just want to prepare myself the least possible thing that I can do. But I know whatever it is, it will be hard for me. I do not know what will happen next between us, but again, I give my big trust and faith. Look, who ever thought that we will come this far? No one. Neither you and me. Hai... enough for this.
Ok. thanks blog for giving me this space to write my emotions which I can't possibly tell Matt as of now. Hold them for now and maybe soon, I can tell him and probably show this to him. I do not know.
Yours,
Josh
