Mixed emotions

Hi Dearest blog,

I am sad and happy yesterday and today.

Yesterday, my honey gave me a sweet short story about our first date.It relived what had happened during that day from the time he was waiting for me to arrive until the time he sent me to bus. He is really sweet. Today, he also showed how much he cares by trying to make me smile though things didn't go right this morning, my resignation to KP. He was there to cheer me up, making funny faces, sending me funny pictures, giving me messages, kisses via skype and random stuffs. I appreciate him. He said he is sad because I am sad and I told him not be sad because I don't want him to be. I want him to be happy so he can drag me to his happiness. But deeply I felt his sincerity. Matt is really wonderful. He makes my heart jump in most unexpected way. By just simply looking at his eyes and his smiles, hearing his laughter an his sweet thoughts, I am like in a cloud nine. He makes me happy despite I am in a very problematic situation. He certainly never fails to enlighten my day. Lovely Matt.

There are lots of things I want to tell him but I can't. Though I almost have told him all the sweetness in my heart, I wasn't yet able to tell him what my heart wants to yell. I want to tell him 'I love you' but I know I shouldn't have to tell him yet. Cause I know he still do not love me. I know how much it will hurt me when I tell him that and he won't respond and tell me he still do not feel the same; that love takes time. 'He just likes me and he cares for me,' as what he always says. I appreciate his words really, but it is more lovely to hear that he loves me like the way I do. But I know it isn't the right time,and I do not want to pick a fruit which isn't yet ripe... waiting makes it more the sweetest. Well, my dear blog, let me shout this on your wall and be with me as I keep it as the most precious emotion that I have now...loving him. I wish Matt really feel what I want to tell him as he said he can read what my eyes what to say. I hope my eyes was able to let him feel that. I hope he knows that I am really willing to take the risk of life with him.

In my heart's sanctuary, you'll find the love I have for Matt.

Matt, my honey, my sweetness,my boyfriend, I wish to feel and realize that i am really your girlfriend once you tell me that you love me. Now I am still day dreaming that you do and that I fool myself with the thought that you are mine and you are my boyfriend. It will only happen once you learned to love me. But when I say I am yours and I am your girlfriend, I wish you know, I am sincere because I am loving you so deeply, now. It is not time that made me feel that I love you Matt, it is my heart who felt it. I tried to guard my emotions yet, it keeps on resisting. I have to shout... I LOVE YOU MATTHEW PAUL CAMPBELL!!!! Thanks a lot for all the great things that you do for me, for wanting to bring me there in your place, to be with you and learn more about you. 

Yesterday and today, just seem so sad cause I am frightened with the thought that I will be left again. But I am just taking a courageous step to know you cause I feel it very strong that I need to show you how much I can love you like no one else does. I may not be like your exes who are very well off, beautiful or whatever, I am just Josh who can only give you nothing but my love and life. I am poor in material things but I am rich with love. I am also afraid of what might happen after we meet. Knowing myself, I am very affectionate and I want to be with the man I love as close as possible. I am still not believing that Long distance relationship works, but this is also another big risk,- to believe on this thing that I don't believe. I just trust God's way.  I will cry gallons of tears for sure when I'll go back home. But why am I thinking of that which doesn't even starting yet?  I do not want to spoil the excitement and happiness, I just want to prepare myself the least possible thing that I can do. But I know whatever it is, it will be hard for me. I do not know what will happen next between us, but again, I give my big trust and faith. Look, who ever thought that we will come this far? No one. Neither you and me. Hai... enough for this.

Ok. thanks blog for giving me this space to write my emotions which I can't possibly tell Matt as of now. Hold them for now and maybe soon, I can tell him and probably show this to him. I do not know.

Yours,
Josh

Booked Flight!!! Yippeey!!

Matt had worked out with the flight.  I will really be going to New York. I am happy and excited!!! Who would ever thought that this will happen??? I don't even put it in my dream for I thought this would be something that won't happen, ever- to have someone who will do this for me. This is indeed one of the best and special gifts I recieved in my entire life, next to my life, family, career, and now, Matt.

I would like to thank Matt for making me feel special. I may not be loved yet but it is enough now that someone does extra ordinary things for me.ANd make me feel so beautiful. I will content myself for now and won't expect more. I know I shouldn't. "Josh, one step at a time."

I want to thank God for all of these! Thank you Lord for the overflowing blessings.

More Than That

I wish I can tell you how much you mean to me. What you are is more than what I tell you everyday. What you are to me is more than what you see in my smile whenever we talk. It is more than the sound of my laughter whenever we have funny and silly things. It is more than the shimmer in my eyes. It is more than what I have told you... because I haven't told you enough of what I feel about you. My letters wont suffice though. It is not only that you are special... It is really more than that...


Because what I really want to tell you is...

" I LOVE YOU."


You have captured my heart and it is really yours...really yours...

Love Takes Time

Love takes time, you said. Yes, indeed it takes time...it takes time to know a person. It takes time to accept someone. It takes time... but for how long will love capture ones heart? Do I need to count years or months? Does a whirlwind love didn't love at all? Do really those who rush are fools? How will you describe what we have today? Is it just infatuation? A strong emotion? Is it just things that are special enough? How special is special? I do not know yours, but I know mine.

You said:
I love hearing your voice.
I love looking at your face.
I love your smile.
I love the feeling of your lips to mine?
I love hugging you.
I love thinking of you.
I love the way you make faces.
I love the way you dance.
I love... blah blah blah...
You love a lot about me...

..but not yet enough for you to love me. Because love takes time.

In an Open Field

March 10, 2012- Watching over a football game when suddenly someone special got injured. I was in a distance that he didn't know that I was there. I wanted to come near him to atleast try to comfort him though I know I can't do anything.  I just wanted him to feel that I am there, supporting him. That atleast letting him feel that I wanted to be with him in whatever that he does; in whatever that interests him. Yet, ofcourse I can't. Seems pitiful yet I would submit to this reality. Yes, it is really frustrating, and depressing that you wanted to do something that you know you can do but you just really can't; in a way that you really have the right to.

When I saw him in pain, I felt the pain. I felt the pain he exactly feels but the pain of the distance that sepearate us; the distance that isn't measured by miles, yet a distance that is abstractly defined for a person like me. I felt tha pain inside my heart for I can't do what I wanted to do for him.

Is this love? I do not know. I have all the reasons to leave him. I have all the reasons to forget him. He even gave me and told me to do so. I should have done that. I should. But no matter how many reasons that I have, I only have one reason which is clear to me why I am still here trying to wait and hope (though it seems really silly and pitiful), and that reason is LOVE. Well, I hope and prayed that this emotion will find its natural death through the pain that I am struggling for two years now. Look how silly it is. But still I am hopeful, I started doing the first step then, when I tried to have a distance, like I had hibernated for a while. I hope I can be able to do it again and I hope it is for good. It is my birthday wish...to freed my heart.

Before I go, I went over the church which is in front of the field, and asked for God's guidance and intervention. I am in pain and only God knows how to heal it.

you just do not know

no one just really know how much i feel now...ho much pain..how much loneliness...how much stressed...in different aspects of life. i just can't show..for people might think "what's new?" but without them knowing.. i really need a friend.

Alangan Cu Queca

Neng Josephine Luz de Leon
Pebreru 2, 2012

Queng tagle mung santing ampong ticdo
Pijung dacal a matang maglolo
Dumalan ca siguradung bumatyo
Maglusu la ding pusung gagayo


Matino ca at ating gelingan
Yng lagyu mu tutung quebaluan
Maracal la reng queca alangan
Mesabing metung a matenacan!

Pibatyon-batyon, silip-silipan
Potang biglang lunsu’t mipadalan
Lucsu yng pusu gang quen mung timan
Sumlag ing aldo cabang cabengian

Mara-marine, sala-salicut
Yng lacas ning lub, tutung yang dimut
Quiac-quiac ampong sinuc-sinuc
Pigil siuala, saradu asbuc

E ‘sing timyas ning dalagang Isiang
Culang leguan, malaut cang Sianang
Ecu artista, ecu paintunan
Queng lele dalan, labas-labasan

Malaut yng acu yang aburian
Marayu yng estadu’t cabilian
Yng queng bie mu, ala cung lugalan
Dapat yti cacu yang aintindian

Bista man queng bie mu tutung alangan
Yng pusu cu, ycang luluguran
Yng iraque yng laue mu’t timan
Quislap mata, tulang ‘lang cayarian!

Yng Cuentu Cu

Neng Josephine Luz de Leon

February 5, 2012

Cabang atyu queng dalan ba’t Menila muli na
Babalic-balican cu, aldong miyabe cata
Aldo pecamasaya, aldong pala mipnu la
Alub nang e mayari, e buring mauala pa.

Anyang linubut cata, inarap queng barcada
Pequilalang pamilya, at siniclod carela;
Anyang pequilala mu at sinabing acu na
E uari ana saya, E mipnu ing tula ta?

Pecapaquiramdaman nyang mipagcuentu cata

‘Gyang misan e aintindyan, pequiquibaluan cu la

Ban atin cung adaque, at asambitla queca

Ban mu namang abalu , tutung tutucyan da ca.

Balu cung acaquit mu, quislap dare ning mata

Yng aldo saslag sala potang acaquit daca

Teterac ne yng pusu, agyang titiman ca pa

Anti cung susulagpo, queng umang iba’t queca

O baquit ninanu na? O baquit ca meuala?

Nucarin ca migdatun, ba’t yng sala mepula?

Nanu rugung milyari, mipacanyan yng calma?

Sinta cu at caladua, nucarin catang adua?

Licquan mu cung magdili, cabud mu bigla-bigla!

Emu pequiramdaman, e mecapagsalita

E mucu man binatyo, e caman miganaca

Abe co balu mu sa, menacasaquit cu’t meina!

Sibucan cu ing tagal, paquit quegana-gana

Ban mumung apaltutuan, lugud pariquil queca

 ‘Gyang nucarin ca munta, ala iting calupa

Tune’t mapibabata, lugud a ‘lang capara!

Milabas yng panaun, deng aldo atna caba

Balang galo ning relo, pibabatan cung bina

‘Ti cu waring candila, miyanginan at mitda

Emu cabud abilang,  pijung dinagus yng lua.

Mibalic queng isip cu, deng galo ban misalba

Migcasaquit quinimut, nung sang iquit mu yta

Malaus mangaplus ca, at mecad mibalic ca

Quiac yng cacung siuala, tutung magmalun queca .

Oneng emu cu iquit, maracal a dalaga

Yla ring queca bage, mangalagu’t macualta

Enaca manaquit pa, agyang pang numanu ca

Sing timyas ning pusu cu, yng lugud para queca!

Si PRof sa Stat...kakatuwa!

Sabi ni Prof. nung inaabot nya ang taas ng board,

"Sorry, hindi ako ganon kataas... nag iimagine lang ako."

hehe..kakatuwa lang.

Blogging on my Stat Class

I am now having my stat class. The room is so cold. my head is aching because of the almost sleepless nights doing lots of things. But anyways, I'm stilll learning.. We just had a very toxic thinking for hypothesis testing.

Anyways, I'm still hapy..I saw him. The apple of my eyes.