I Miss My Paul

I miss him so much. If only I can embrace him again...=( I'm so sad.

I do not know how to end and start the day without him saying goodnight and good morning...And I miss that now.=( T_T

I know it was my choice yet, it doesn't mean I am not hurting..I am hurting a lot because what I did is not what I want...that maybe what we need. For us to know how we really value each other. I thought even though we just simply shared  little moments together, shared little time yet, I thought, it would be easy..but for me to realize that it is not like what I expect.  The past days, I sleep not because I am sleepy yet because I am tired crying...and it doesn't end there...even in my dreams I cry...and wake up in the morning crying too... The worst was during the first morning, I woke up because I was crying..I just do not know but I woke up simply because I've lots of tears in my eyes..that makes me ask my self if I ever stopped crying that night.Well, I can simply utter...well, I love this man..I love Paul.

But I do not hold the chance of making things work again. No matter how I want to make him back, I still need to wait for him if ever he finds my worth in his heart. And if in case, he wan't able to find me valuable, then I must accept that I made the right decision...But I want him to prove me wrong..I want him to tell me that I am wrong..that I am worthy to be hold, that I am worthy to be loved...that I am worthy to be with him... I do not demand..all I want is for me to realize that I am his girl..that I am his love...that I am worthy to be with him... All of these aren't demands..they are what I should have... Paul, please prove me wrong..

I love this man, but if I just do not want to tolerate what is wrong between us. There is something wrong...we have to admit...and we should work for it...and if we can't then, we can't go far. And if no one is willing to make things better, then we can't have the best from each other.

Never did I be so stiff, that i can't forgive.. Never did I was impatient because I was able to wait for so long long before he came. Never did I was able to sacrifice, because I was able to love unselfishly...Never did I become so selfish, because i was able to give my heart.

I wish he may find in his heart that I still love him.That I do not want to make things hard, but I simply want to make things right. I hope he will understand the way I think will make us strong if we can surpass it. I hope...I hope and I pray a lot. So much.

I am leaving my fate to God with my wholehearted faith. I am asking Lord to go between us always, that he may be our center so we can always find the right path towards each other...Lord, to you I ask and I know you'll give the best answer for me. Thank you.

I Do Not Know

I do not know if I am taking the right step, yet I have to stand to things that I believe will soon make things fine. I do not know if what I did will really make things work, but I have no choice. I want to settle to things that commit to mutual understanding, to mutual sharing, when no one harms yet both benefit..and that will make things last...to what they call forever.. I do not intend to hurt or give up, yet I know giving up doesn't really tell you are weak, yet it simply shows that you are strong enough to decide on things even though it will hurt you much. I do not know cause I do not know where it will bring me.

To feel that you are worthy and worth fighting...that is what I want to feel...that is what everyone needs. And if it fails to feel yet one should let go..I love to love yet I do not want to sacrifice a life without receiving quality love...


Deep within my heart...I love Paul..but I have to set him free...

I seek for God's glory and guidance..I seek for His light. May he share light and strength to our hearts so we can see and follow His will.

The Way I Understand It.

I often tell myself to be patient..to be accepting...to be kind...to be loving. I often want to be like these...I often want to make my ideas of love real. I often want to live the way I learned love. I often want to do these..cause I do believe that what you saw is what you'll reap. That, if you do it that way you'll reap sweet fruits. I want to give the man I love the feeling of love that cannot be compared to anyone. I always want to let them feel that I can love them more than anyone can do. But I can't do these if they won't let me. 

In as much as I want to do lot of things, I can't insist. I do my part, but I do not insists what i want. For things are sweeter if they give/do it without any reservations or without any force. I am saddened that I haven't found the man who will make me feel that I do not need to insist myself. That they know what I want/ need even before I say it.I do not know, or maybe they just do not understand me. 

Or am I too demanding? Do I demand too much when all I ask is a purposeful time? Do I demand too much when all I want to feel are things must work the way they should? Do I demand too much when all I want is to share the most important parts of my life with the one I love?  Do I demand too much when I only want is for me to feel that I am not any other priority? Do I demand too much when all I ask is understanding? Do I demand too much when all of these shouldn't be even asked? When all of these should really be given even without asking? If ever I am, then what should be left for me?

Though love should be unconditional, love still work and bear fruits if it will be shared by two hearts bonded as one...where its beat synchronizes with each other... where every emotions shared should be fair...where love should never be asked yet be given...where it beats to give life...where both lovers receive love...

Love does not intend to change the way we live, yet it intends to voluntary change a little part of how we live because in love, you do not live on your own, you have to live to let your love one live with you... and that needs a little sacrifice. 

My heart loves a man..and when I enter a relationship, I promise to do my best...to give my time..to share my time...to do more than anyone can do for the one I love...I want things to be extra ordinary...(for that man is the most special for me)...to share a part of my life...to let him feel that he is always in my heart in whatever I do...to let him feel that I love him...for love is something not just being uttered but something being shown. 

My heart loves a man...and yet my heart longs for him...

Oh, God I ask for Your light for my way seems to be dark again. In everything, I know it is You who knows what I deserve and whom I deserve. . . Please lead me to his way. 

A Lovely Evening of July 26

To meet the friends of Paul is something that makes me happy. It is one of the things that I've been waiting. Isn't it lovely to meet the people loved by the one you love? Isn't it lovely to feel that you are someone being introduced to his couple of friends? yes it is. And that makes this night very lovely.

I enjoyed the company of his friends though i just want to be sensible first. I try to find out how they talk..how they communicate...but it is not a big problem for me since I am always flexible. I can mingle with different kind of people.

Michael, a friend of Paul, treated us at Ala Creme! Thanks Michael! You are so generous! I also met Maridel, Kelly and Jeff. Nice people! Nice friends! After our dinner, we had a coffee at Northwalk. A goodway to continue conversation out of the cozzy and fine place of Ala Creme.

I missed Paul a lot.and as usual, Just by simply being with Paul, it eases and reciprocates those waiting days. I seldom be with this man and yet each time i am with him, he always make me feel fine, special, and loved...in his very simple and unique way. Love is not so extravagant yet it only takes simplicity for a heart to feel its deepness.

I am looking forward for more chances of enjoying the company of Paul's friends.Thanks hon for this night. I will never forget this night. I love you hon!

A Dream Come True

First month...a fresh start...

First month...a fresh start...

God is so good that He blessed me with a love that promises nothing but simply love. God is so generous and kind that He entrusted me with a heart that keeps on loving despite of pains. God is so beautiful that He shares the beauty of life and the worth of living. God is so lovely that He gave me Paul...

In every relationship, there is a start. And in every start, there is adjustment. And in every adjustment, there are sacrifices. There is no successful relationship that starts perfectly. Everything needs to face challenges, everything needs to stumble blocks, everything needs to experience even the saddest and the most unwanted thing in life like pains, like tears, like lost, yet from these we learn the value of success....the value of giving...Thus from these, we learn love in its deepest sense.

I have loved and lost a lot of times and yet I never stop hoping and praying for a love that will love me unconditionally. I've known love and sometimes it saddened me that no matter how I purely offered it, I am  left alone and stranded for so long. I had a lots of pains, and yet, I am thankful for another hope..for another love...for this one month that I have Paul.

I honestly do not know how to start. It is really hard to start over again. To work with broken pieces. But the mystery of love works as love will make you feel that you were never been broken...you were just prepared for the real score of life. That in the nearest end, you'll be strong enough to face more challenges. That these things happened because you need them for you to become a better person. Again, I repeat, it is hard to start over again. But I ask guidance from God to shower me with His wisdom and light; so I'll never be wrong again.

God knows when to give you a man whom you consistently ask for. He will give him to you once you stop asking, once you accepted his divine guidance and will., once you stopped asking. once you stop complaining. God knows when your heart is ready. God knows the right time. And all we need is to wait for Him...To acknowledge His gracious hands.

I would like to thank God for this month that I have embraced love once more...though everything is whole new thing....Everything is something I never had before. Everything needs adjustment..Yet I accept this everything. For love asks nothing but only love...a love that is willing...a love that is self-sacrificing...a love that is real. Yes love needs to be reciprocated though it never asks.

Thank you Lord for giving me John Paul, though things might not be clear yet I trust you.  As always, I promise you that i will share a love the way You taught me how to love. I promise to be sincere, patient, and giving, for that is what You are to me.

And to Paul,  would like to thank you for loving me and showing your love in very simple way. Thank you for making my days light. Thank you for putting the colors of the rainbow into my life. Thank you for simply being there..Thank you for loving me. Thank you for coming into my life. I pray more for the two of us. I never expect yet, I have faith.

CHAPTER 3: THE MORNING SUN

CHAPTER 3: THE MORNING SUN

A Sequel of the Twilight and the Raining Before the Break of Dawn

By: Josephine Luz de Leon

The magnificent glowing rays of the sunset makes the morning birds sweetly chirp and the flowers dance seemingly like they’ve longed to feel the warmth. The wet soil starts to dry as it was moistened by the evening rain. The wind was so delicate and soothing and that brings inspiration for the whole day’s tasks. It is a sweet promising morning.

During the twilight, she excitedly sat and waited for the growing sunrays. As the light became clearer, her vision followed. The stiffness brought by the cold raid and breeze was gradually coated by the warm sun. And now, the long wait is over.

She found herself giggling as she remembers the dream she had when she was sleeping. She slept when the night was old. She was tired then. And the exhausting night made her deeply asleep. She remembers that someone peeped in her dream brought her home and kiss her goodnight. She knows her subconscious body smiled. And when she woke up on that twilight, she felt the excitement for the morning sun. …and that is because of the man who existed in that dream.

She walks freely and graciously over the garden and observes the beauty of the flowers, enjoys the songs of the chirping birds, and feels the comforting touch of the wind. Everything is relaxing. Everything gives a good aura…almost everything. She’s been waiting for this! She does not know how long she had waited. This morning wraps her with a glowing hope.

This certainly marks a new day and so a new journey. Though the fear that traumatized her during the evening is still there, she remains fighting and hoping to overcome it. She needs to move on. All the reasons are in her hands now. All she needs to do is smile, walk and continue. And that what she does.

One hour after her walk. Her dream comes true. Comes a man who touches her heart and washes away her fears. Comes a man whom she finds as an answer to her prayer…He is a heaven’s sent.

As they converse, the man said,

“When can I say, you and I?” Simple yet it touches her heart to find a man who wants her to call “mine.”

She seeks and rushes over her heart.  And she said,

“Despite my fears, I welcome you,
For love is found within my heart;
And I promise to continue loving you.” 

Your sweetness causes my smiles and laughter;
Your words, I carry, I won’t get lost;
Your love is a gem that I treasure most.

This early morning, they hold hand. Walk together and hopes for a joyful day…a forever in a day.

Deep within her heart, she whispered,

Now that you truly came into my life;
I still have a prayer, I solemnly ask,
To be with you, forever and a day;
And turning back won’t find its way.

The man kisses her lips and claims a promise,

“I will never leave you and I promise I will love you till the end of time.”

It is indeed a sweet morning full of promise...a brand new journey that requires courage to face another trials and circumstances that may come within the day. And yet she decided to commit again…with full love and sincerity.

She remains fearful to face the noontime and the coming of the afternoon. But then, only faithful and true love can also calms her heart. In time, all the fears will cease and only trust will remain…in time… and hopefully she will find all the strength before the noontime. The Noontime sun brings too much heat and sometimes burn even the toughest. She hopes to be prepared…with the man she loves. She prays to be with this man in all her undertaking…in all her successes and failures. In everything, she prays to have a companion, a partner, a love, no matter what time of the day…no matter how easy or tough are the challenges. No matter what… no matter where…no matter when.

This very morning, let her enjoy the morning.  Savor its happiness, glory and blessings with her man. Let her love…for her love is true...for her love is pure… for her love commits eternity…for her love knows what love really is.

July 12, 2011

7;44 PM

with my babies!