I want to find my heart this Christmas

I've been wondering why I feel this way. I should be happy. I know I should be; and they say it is a choice. Yet, I can't totally make myself believe that I am happy no matter how I tried to be. I feel that I am missing something...or somethings. 

Christmas is a time of hope and joy. This is why I am still hopeful and still looking at the brighter side of everything for me to find joy. But then sometimes, I find it tiring this way but I know this is life and I can't get rid of this.

I tried to find a break through a trip I had with my cousins. It was fun and relaxing. I hope it never ended but of course the tour was only for 3 days and I am now back to reality. I am now again here facing the problems I left. 

You may wonder what I am referring, well, it's about stuffs at home. same old things. same old sentiments....and it is tiring. I am not tired of giving myself for them. I know it is what God wants me to do, to serve my family and provide them what they need.  But it is always frustrating that you have given your part, your share, yourself, yet they will make you feel it is not yet enough. Here comes my sentiments. I almost given everything, and still they want to have even what you keep for yourself. I do save somethings, because I know, when time comes and you'll need them, you have none but yourself. Sabi ko nga kay mama,

"Sabihin mo nga kung sino malalapitan ko kapag ako yung nangailangan? Wala diba? Sino yung tutulong sa atin? Wala din naman akong maasahan kundi yung sarili ko."

I'll leave the issue here.

Is it bad to sometimes want to receive anything from them as a piece of token after a whole year of hardwork and perseverance? Is it too much for me to ask for that? Well, I won't ask if they've nothing but I know they have something, and if only they want, they will at least remember me. What saddened me most is that, they even share what they have with others who have even done nothing to them And one more, I really hate gambling. They have money now, but gamble them rather help me with our expenses! I just really can't voice it out coz if I did, I'll be a "masama at walang pagmamahal na anak." Well I heard it already. "(Ako na yung walang pagmamahal at walang kwenta.) I pity myself. This is what I always got. Do you think I deserve all these?  I think I don't. But God, I still wish for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Help me forget all the pains that I have and guide me always.

Out of home stuffs, I am still missing something... I know I am missing a part of my heart. I honestly look back all those who in one way or another captured my heart. But I know, any of them, I am not in their heart. well, that's reality, and it's sad.  I admit, there are still people from the past who are still special and loved. If any of them will come and confess love, he might gain my heart again. But well, I won't insist. I just love on my own. Anyways, I still do not know if he will really fit the missing part of my heart. I do not want another heartbreak again...I've been crashed and torn a lot of times. Another heartbreak might be fatal. But then again I pray, that God will lead me to the man who will love me more than enough to make me stay for the rest of his life. And I solemnly pray for this.

Thanks to you my online blog for letting me express this cause I know people might get tired of hearing my tiring stories and sentiments...And I do not want to kill joy, cause I know everyone is busy preparing for the Christmas day.  I've no one to talk to. Thanks blog.


love,

Josha =)

 

A Glimpse of Pagudpud Memories

 

I’ve a glimpse of Pagudpud memories;

It’s lovely, enchanting, full of mysteries;

Inspiring, enlightening, beholds glory

For a heart that is lost

It’s a perfect sanctuary.

Green mountains surround me

Soothe my eyes, I found a refuge

Ease the tiredness I have inside

Reveal the tears I tacitly hide.

Chilly breeze from the shore

Teasingly tells, my life is cold

Whispers reality, the real score

My life still longs for a love to hold.

Evening waves come fierce and rough

A simile of the struggles that are tough

Exactly an edifice of the pains I’ve got

Grieve like the sounds of the waves at night.

Rain pours on an unexpected time

Reminds me of how my life had turned

For surprises made me stunned

Yet I’ve to stand despite of the heavy rain.

Luckily, I found a calm, relaxed morning

Heard the birds sing and the sea catches rhythm

I found a promise, another hope and hymn

A fortune that brings me to a place I’ve never been.

In Pagudpud, I’ve relived my heart

I’ve to live a brand new start

To forever give everything that I have

To a man who deserves my undying love.

Josh

 Nov 6, 2011

End of October 2011

October is about to end... so fast. It started rough but I'm glad it's about to finish with something I had accomplished. My previous post has something to do with my sentiments and frustrations yet I am glad to see the brighter side. Thank God.

The first two weeks of October were really stressful. Level III Phase II Accreditation really made us work hard like finishing papers and documents, accomplishing the previous visit's recommendations,and at the same time, have to cope up with my classes to finish our course syllabi. It was really tiring to major things at the same time. I was tasked to be the Chairman for the COE Extension Services Unit for BTTE... It is hard to work on this area since we had to accomplished a lot of things though we do not have budget and  this area is a mandatory one! Guts and dedication are really needed to fulfill such responsibility. I am glad Dr. Gigante was there to assist and teach me. At some point during this time, I got frustrated and disappointed with how people treat me, not to mention names, but with lots of people who trust and believe on my capabilities, I was able to make it. Thank you. To sum up, I am thankful that we passed the Level III Phase II Accreditation! Kudos to everyone! Right after the accreditation day, our college treated us with a lunch at Partyland in San FDO. We watched movie afterwards. My first time to had such bonding with the faculty of the college of education.

Not to mention on the early part of this month,we celebrated the World Teacher's Day, Oct 5. Since I am one of the advisers of the College's Student council, we had to prepare on this. The class suspensions on the previous days made it hard for us to fix a lot of things that's why we needed to meet and gather in school even though there was class suspensions. I am just glad everything ended well and I am happy that we had placed smile in every teacher's face. Good job to all the Officers of the College of Education Student Council.


During the third week of October I needed to work hard and organize my works because I needed to finish my students' grades before the fourth week. And I am glad I was able to make it.  It is just that I have to budget time...proper time management is really important. Friday of the same week, Oct 21, we also had the closing ceremony of the Numeracy Program in Tinajero which I am the one in-charge for the closing. I took a lot of time making certificates and programs, but at the end of the day, I can say, "Mission Accomplished!" Thank you to all the Mathematics teachers and students of COE, the Rotary Club of Villa de Bacolor, and the Tinajero Elem School for making it a success. Thanks too to Jollibee who made it a little special.


 State Colleges and Universities Faculty Association of Region III (SCUFAR 3) Sports Festival held at Tarlac State University occupied my Oct 24-26. I played Badminton, Volleyball, and Relay but I didn't win. But I am glad that I was able to represent my university. I regret that I wasn't able to play my game the 100m dash because I came late. well, lesson learned. I'll make up next year. I promise. In general, I enjoyed it for I had my closed friends with me. I was able to bond with them and talk a lot of things, anything under the sun. It was such a good experience. Thank you guys!

Following the SCUFAR 3, I needed to packed my things again as I needed to go with the Rotaractors in Pagudpud Ilocos Norte dated Oct 27-30 for the Rotary Youth Leadership Awards 2011. I had fun though the travel made it exhausting. But nevertheless, the place was a nice spot... the waves and water attract tourists. Though the people's (local) accommodation was really outdated and lacks hospitality, I still find it a must-see place..and I am looking forward to be here again in the future.  I was also able to see other places in Ilocos Norte including a part of Cagayan. I love the wind mills! They're really fascinating. I was able to bond with other Rotarians from Sn Fdo P and Western Pampanga. They're kind and accomodating too. Though I am the only girl in the group except to Nicole,a Rotarian's daughter, I felt the respect. Thank you.











And today, I just want to spend the whole day with a bundle of rest!  And this blog post? I think it is just worthy to summarize this month since I had lots of accomplishments, activities and fulfilling experiences. I simply want to thank everyone who made this October a good one.








Let me Welcome November! A new month is about to come and I am looking forward for another journey in my life. I am looking forward for another accomplishments, planned and unplanned. I am looking forward for the start of my journey as a student, again, this time in the Doctorate level. I claimed that God will continuously shower me with His unconditional love and blessings.  Thank you Lord. Thank You for every little thing that you shower and bestowed upon me. I always give  back the glory to You.




Thank you October and Welcome November... hopefully a sweet November. =)

Sad, Stress, Frustrated

I am sad and frustrated now. Though I've accomplished a lot this year, I just really can't escape the reality that things aren't easy. Things might not work the way we wanted them to. There are things that will really test our determination, our goals and dreams. I am now being tested in a way that I find it hard to handle. The problem, this is not really a big one, yet it is frustrating...it is tiring..for things repeatedly happen...nothing is new except from the fact that I am now out of control.

From the very start, my dream is to provide for my family. This is always my goal. I never wanted to see my mom again being slaved for other people and received unworthy amount. That's why I wanted to finished my studies so I'll be the one working. Thank God He made me accomplished it. Soon I shouldered the responsibility of having my grandma stay in our house. And sometimes letting my auntie (a special child) to be with us a part of the year. I worked hard to provide the needs...But these arent my sentiments, it is from my whole heart. But you know, there are things in life that no matter how I wanted it to happen and stay, there are still people who will make these things hard, Not to mention who it is, I am really tired with the confrontation that I had for having my lola in our side. I am really tired of it. With all the patience that I have, I tried to understand. But now, I really do not have a control on this. My Lola needs to leave our house, my poor lola. I am saddened that she has to leave and be with my uncle. I do not know what will happen to her there. It seems my achievements and dreams are being torn into pieces now. I am hopeless. But I promise, I'll get you back Lola. I will. I just need to fix somethings. As of now, i do not know were to start. as of now, I feel so down.

Escape

I want to seek for a distance

At this moment

To escape...

To find peace …

To find myself…

I want to look for a comfort

To ease this tiring burden

I want to rest

For I’ve been very tired

I want to sleep for so long

With an assurance of waking up

I want to find the light

For things are in darkness now

I want to brighten my days

The way they were before

I want to start a new

And continue those that are good

I want an escape

For a while

Soon, I’ll be back

Again, with a smile

With a renewed strength to continue life

With clearer path to take

With me, to share to thee…

From BEED 3A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPtsx60FeR8&feature=share


Received this very thoughtful and sweet gift from my Student! Thank you

i love everything you put here...and espcially my boys,,,the chipmunks! salamat sa inyong lahat.nakakaiyak! tears of joy nga! i feel special. through you i feel, importante ako, through you, i can feel i am loved. in times im sad, without you knowing, i look up into you and wanted to attend your class, kasi alam ko you know how to put smile in my face. kahit na mad ako minsan pag pasok, never akong umalis sa class ng walang smile. thankyou so much for the love. you really made me proud that i have you... with you i don't need to prove myself to other people, because i know you are my proof of what i do inside the class, you are the proof that being teacher is not just my career...it is my life..it is my passion. you are the proof that i need to convince myself that i am an not just an instructor..but a TEACHER. thank you.

YOU HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE(aka Teacher Appreciation Song)  © 2009 Brian Asselin and Eric Dissero,

This song is for those, who inspire us today;
Who always lend a helping hand, to help show us the way.
This song is for those, who see their students through;
The tough times in their lives, for that we say thank you.

CHORUS
_____You have made a difference, You have shaped our minds;
_____You have changed the world, one child at a time.
_____You have always been there, in everything you do;
_____I hope that you’re as proud of me, as I am proud of you.

This song is for those, who heard the silent cries;
Who stepped in to wipe the tears, from the children’s eyes.
For those who gave us, a safe place to grow;
A place for us to call our home, forever we will know . . . that [CHORUS]

This song is for those, who taught us right from wrong;
Who taught us much more than their craft, to help our minds grow strong.
This song is for those, who guide us through and through;
So that we can make a life, for that we say THANK YOU. [CHORUS]

As I look back on my life, into the path within my reach;
I hope I can change a life, of those that I teach…

I can make a difference, all I do is try;
Try to see a different world, through the children’s eyes.
And I will always be there, in everything I do,
I hope that you’re as proud of me, as I am proud of you.
And I will always be there, in everything I do,
I hope that you’re as proud of me, as I am proud of you.

Is love sweeter the second time around?

Kanina tinanong ako ng isang kaibigan, ano daw ang gagawin ko kung bumalik sya? Hindi ako kaagad nakasagot. ang sabi ko na lang.."Di ko alam. Hindi ko talaga alam. =("  Sabi ko din, di ko alam kasi di ko na iyon iniisip man...ni ayoko ng damhin. Sa loob ko'y wala naman din naman iyong saysay dahil alam kong wala ng ganoong posibilidad, hindi man sa akin. Dama ko, sa kanya.

Nasabi ko din, di ko po alam kasi di ko pa naramdaman na may bumalik. Parang pag tinuldukan na nila ay, wala na talagang babalik. Kaya di ko alam kung "Love is sweeter the second time around."

Ewan ko ba. Basta ang alam ko, hinding hindi ko sinasara ang pintuan ng aking puso, dahil alam kong darating din ang isang araw na may papasok dito, na kahit gaano pa kaluwang ang pintuan, ay hindi gugustuhin ng taong ito na umalis pa. Mananahan sya sa aking puso at mabubuhay doon habang buhay kasama ko. Darating iyon. Alam ko. At pagsapit ng takdang panahon, malugod ko syang sasalubungin at hahagkan. At sasabihing, matagal na matagal na kitang hinihintay. =)

good night. I love You Lord.

Nanung daptan Mu?

Emu man kailangan sungkitan

Ding batuin mangislap king banua 

Ing gawan mong kwintas, ecu iti adwanan

Dapot magdatun ca lele cu anggang ikata tumwa

Emu man kailangan idaun ing bulan

Ban ing bengi ku kekang suluan

Ing sulu, ecu man buring sarilinan

Dapot ing kayabe daca, sala yang alang capupusan

Emu man kailangan iyapag ing migit king bie

Idaun kaku ding dakal a bage-bage

Ampong pasayan king sobra sobrang luhu

Dapot ing "IKA" mu, migit ka pa king metung a gintu.

Emu man kailangan mamye pangaku

Ampong mangamanung mipnung yumu

Ban akit mu ku mung titiman pusu

Dapot istu na ing kumabie ku cayabe mu.

Mayumung paninap pu.

 Mayumung paninap pu

SAYANG

E me wari iquit itang batuin

Queng banua macabitin?

Eme wari abatyon itang bulan

Mamantabe queca queng caralumduman?

Eca wari mesigla queng aldo a masala

Uling iti queng masanting magpagaca?

Eme wari selubungan yng malambis a angin

Queng lub mamye capaldanan ampong santing.

Sayang..sayang uling emu icwang iquit

Yng lugud a tune queng riquit

Sayang..pepabren mu

Sayang at binili mu cu.

aug 18.

josh

I want to shout and cry out loud! I am super sad. Oh God! Please help me.

Tita Paulette....

Gazing the sky, this lovely night

Stars twinkle, the moon so bright

Though the dark sky obstructs my sight

I found you, sharing your light.

Seldom in evening, I found the way clear

For every walk, I discover fears

And yet I passed and found you there

Brought hope with your love and care.

We walk in life, you are beside me,

A new friend, a new family, an auntie.

In this complex and sophisticated journey

I know you’ll be my loving company.

You share a smile each passing day

You give hope in this blurry way

Strengthen me; you still want me to conquer

Make me courageous, I should never surrender.

That is how you want me to be

To fight and survive the heavy blue

You reminded me that dreams still come true

And soon will paint town with colorful hues.

In person, we still never meet

But then our stories become so deep

And yet we hope to give embraces

Just to see that we hold happy faces.

Virtual, it is called

Time will tell and unfold

That what we have are real like gold

So precious, so lovely...it won’t get old.

After our roads crossed, never will I meet you again

Never again, since that very day

For you are now kept in my heart

And I will be with you and we’ll never part.

May you find my heart’s sincerity

In every word I share is fidelity

That when I love, I’ll love for real

I’ll be your niece, in our heart, and that’s a deal.

I love you Tita Paulette!

Madalas gusto ko na lang umiyak sa mga pagkakataong nararadaman at naalala ko na wala na sya sa buhay ko.   Minsan yun na lang ang kaya kong magawa. Dahil alam kong nagawa ko na ang lahat. Minsan nakakalungkot..minsan nakakapanlumo..minsan nakakasira ng loob. pero madalas ganun lang talaga.

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance... Acceptance will make things easy. I've known this from the very start. But no matter how you try to make things easy..you still feel the pain.. what you really needed is to tolerate the pain until it hurts no more. ...until it hurts no more... =(

A friend told me that I do not need to sob because of pain. and yet I should learn from the pains and failures in life. from there I can start and make things better.

I do not know how to go on with this blog article yet I do not find myself confined with one thought...I am shattered with different thoughts and emotions. I started writing about acceptance coz I simply want to reiterate it over and over to myself....when all i want to do is to refrain my self from crying..from hurting...

There still questions on "what went wrong" yet I haven't find concrete answers or should I say, I refuse to accept what is really wrong. Well maybe...but things should be uttered to make it clear...and free from doubts... 

I know I also went wrong.. But I believe it always takes two to tango...I am not the sole responsible for this. I've given my sorry. I've done my part..but I think this is what I deserve. Or else, things aren't for me now...

Bottomline, at the end of the day, I just want to make myself free from pain and so with acceptance... I just want to love more...and hopefully to someone who can love me more. Because that someone can understand me,,my flaws, my imperfections, my childishness, my sensitiveness, my expressiveness...all my negatives.  

I'll wait....

i love him still...yet i really need to let go... i love you hon... 

Give thanks...

Be thankful to all the things that come along your way...even the smallest..even the hardest..even the unacceptable... whatever it is, offer them to God. For God created them for a purpose...as we offer things, we have to acknowledge that God will truly intend us to be a better person for all the spices, bitterness and sweetness in life. In everything, we have to give thanks.

Paul and I

Thank you Lord for the trials in our relationship. despite things are still unclear...despite things are painful..I know Your will would be our destiny. Though the our road isn't smooth, I would like to thank You, Lord, that You've given me enough strength to stand over my decisions and principles..I thank You Lord that before things happened like this, You have made me trust you more. Thank you Lord that despite the hardship and pains, You have given me the happiness of being in-love.. Thank You for making me believe in Love again. Thank You for making me love Paul with all my heart and accept him... That despite these, I still love him and I know the love I have for him will both set us free to what You destined us to be. I know if he is the one You made for me, Your gracious way will lead him back to me. ...thank You.

my family

Thank You Lord, for giving me loving parents who showstheir love for me in their simple ways. I know they can't provide me with the luxury of material things in life, but they can give me the privilege to enjoy the luxury of having a loving parents. Thank You Lord for giving them as the greatest blessing I can ever receive from You... To You I bring back the glory by assuring You that I will be with them..supporting and loving them through thick and thin. Thank You Lord for the responsibility, I know You have a big trust with my capacity.

my college friends

kitchen superstars

Thank You Lord for
giving me wonderful friends, whom I know I can count on. Thank You for giving me true friends that makes me feel that I am loved by so many lovely people around me. Thank You also for those false and suspicious people who try to pull me down. Those who pretend to be my friends and yet at the end of the day, I realized I am betrayed. But thank You Lord for these people, they make me learn that I should not trust everyone but to give my trust mostly to You. Thank You to my friends in college, in UST, in school, and on the other organizations that I belong... Thank You also to other friends whom do not belong to any group by I know I've got them as my friends. Thank You Lord.

my friends in school

Thank You Lord for all the works and loads that i have to surpass in my profession. I know these tasks will make me a better person. Just this week You entrusted me with two new and big tasks to fulfill, to be the adviser of the Future Educators Society, our college student council, and to be the Chairman of the Extension Unit Services of our College. The former is hard for things here are very controversial yet I accepted this for I know I can make changes for the betterment of the organization...give me strength. The latter is a big task, for it entails passing the accreditation for our college. Give me more knowledge, strength and wisdom.

my UST classmates

Thank You Lord to all the problems that I surpassed, surpassing, and will surpass. Thank You for all will be the spices in this life. rest assured that i will savor them to the fullest. Thank You Lord for these will make me a better Josh. Thank You

Thank You for always making me realize that I am never alone with these people and most especially with You. Thank You Lord for everything. You know I do not need to tell you my wants, but I am assured that You will always give me what I need...and to that, I will always be thankful.

school friends!

oath taking 

tita tess..thank you for supporting and loving me. i love you.

tita paulette thank you for always talking to me...for the words that comfort me..for the love.thank you. I love you

My Tita's

Tita Tess

In this journey where I need someone to accompany and support me, i find these two lovely ladies to be my source of strength and inspiration to continue and to be hopeful of another day.


My Tita Tess and Tita Paulette are not my biological aunties, yet they are Paul's closest titas.  It is comforting to talk to them coz I am like talking to Paul..I am talking to people close to Paul's heart that makes me be a little closer to Paul. But most of all, I find it very soothing  because I found them very sweet, loving, caring and supportive. I am lucky to have known such lovely people.

I just wish that whatever happens between me and Paul, I wish to keep these two, for they become not only close to my heart, but they are in my heart already. I love Tita Tess and Tita Paulette. Though Paul and I is on a rocky road, I am still thankful to him that through him, I was given other people to love. It is very fulfilling to share yourself loving people around you...loving beautiful and lovely people. God is good, He did not only give me the happiness of having Paul, yet He also gave me another family. I still do not know where these journey will lead us, but again I hope and pray, I'll keep Tita Tess and Tita Paulette.

Tita Paulette

Tita Paulette and Tita Tess, thank you for everything. Thank you for being there esp during these tough days. Thank you for giving me hope and strength through your words. Thank you for being my comfort zone... Thank you for being God's angels  for us. I wish that someday we'l see each other. I love you so much and will always do. Whatever happens, I'll always be here.

I love you! Please Tell Paul that I love him too. thank you so much.

enanaku nanaman mipaindatun... mababagabag ne nanaman ing kakung pusu. pantunan dakang pasibayu. buri dakang kaulan matigic. buri kung sabyan na sana inglugud mu mibalic... pero nanung akarapat ku nung enaka bisang tumagun king awus ning kakung pusu na tutung magmalun.

kaluguran daka Paul. kaluguran a kaluguran...nung akakit mu man na maili ku at ekumatitinag, ala ngan katutwan. uling egana ganang ayli at timan, king asbuk mu mayayakit, subucan meng lawen ing kakung mata, karin akit mu na sobra la kalungkut...lawen me ing kakung pusu.kyak kyak ya. =(

amimiss ku ing balang aldong apapakaili mu ku
ding balang oras sa sasabyan mung kaluguran mu ku
amimiss ku din ding balang aldong akakawul daka
at asasabi ku king arap mu na kaluguran daka

amimiss ku lang akakit ding ayli king mata mu
potang kayabe at lalon muku.
amimiss ku na ing egana gana keka
uling ika ing magpasaya kanaku.

kaluguran da ka parin,sana apantun mu ing dalan pabalik kanaku. =(

Pasibayu mu Cung Caulan

E wari ana canyaman

Yng lulugud at timan-timan?

E wari atyu yng capaldanan

Potang luluguran daca naman?

E wari na cayumung tanggapan

Potang yng bage bage pisasabyan?

E wari yta yng cailangan

Para yng pamiyabie mipnu yang sicanan.

E mucu wari dimdam yng cacung simbitlan?

Emu wari dimdam nung macananu dacang caluguran?

Emu wari pequilasan, yng yumu ning casuyuan?

Emu wari tinggap na yti queca ya iyampang?

Sara me yng mata mu

Maquiramdam ca queng pusu mu

Laco mu yng tacut

Queng pusu mu sasalicut

Cabang macapiac,

Queng pusu mu carin mu pantunan

Yng lugud at catutuan

Ning quecatang picasunduan.

Emu isipan yng capagsubucan a quecatang daralan

Dapot yng pengacu ta yang gawan mung sicanan

Ban eca tumacut na yng problema arapan

Uling e sulusyun yng bigla mucung gulutan.

Yng lugud nung tutu meng daralan

Gang nanu ya man yng capagsubucan

Enaca man agyung ibalag at siran

Maniwala camu at pasibayu mucung caulan.

Tomorrow I'll be fine

If you can't find the smiles
And tears run over my eyes
Do not ask the reason why
Of these pains that make me cry.
My heart longs for you
and that makes me blue.

Tomorrow I'll be fine. I might have to make myself believe that it ended this way. I might have to give up. I might...and hopefully I can make this. It's hard really. To fall in love and repeatedly fall out of it and find out that no one is there to catch you. Its hard to fall inlove over and over again and break your heart repeatedly. It's hard but I never lose hope for fighting makes me the real soldier of this battle called life.

I might not have what I want but definitely God knows what is best for me...

I have to offer these pains again. Lord carry me with your loving arms...bring back the smiles which was taken by this pain. Lord, I love him but if he is not for me, then I have to trust You. Tonight, I give up. Tonight, I've to totally set free. I won't hope...

Thank You Lord for giving me a month of hope and love. Thank You for teaching me to love again. Thank you Lord for making me feel loved once more. Thank You Lord for giving me these pains for I know You still want to make me stronger... Thank You Lord for giving me these failures for I know You want me to enjoy success once I achieved it. Thank You Lord for my tears, they make my vision clearer. Thank You Lord for breaking my heart, I know You want me to be whole again. I know after these rainy days comes a rainbow that will bring colors into my life. Thank You Lord for entrusting me al these challenges...I believe You have a big trust in me.

para keka

Emu balu nung makananu kasakit ing daramdaman kung ini. Eku antindyan bakit emu man buring pisabyan. Eku antindyan nung bakit emu ku buring arapan. Aku bang miki kasalanan? Palage mu kaburyan ku ini? Palage mu kaburyan kung manasakit?

Ana ku kasakit pakiramdam karening oras na emuku paksabyan...ot emunaku mu diretsuan.Ot emunamu tuldukan nung keka iting tatanggpan? Nung emu naku kaluguran, at emunaku agyung luguran pa, eku naman apagpilitan ing sarili ku keka... Buri ku mung abalu nanu ku talaga keka... Emu naku wari kaluguran? Nukarin naku wari king pusu mu?

sabyan mu naman kaku nung nanung panandaman mu...sabyan mu kaku makisabi kung mayap. kaluguran daka tandanan mu yan. at nung ekuman ikwang aparamdam keka, pasensya naka...pasensya naka nung king isip mu masyadu dakang pasakitan...pasensya naka nung palage mu dakal ku panintunan...ali mu sana lalon king makanitang paralan, uling ing buri ku mu naman ing maging matibe kata pamiyabe...itang ating kalidad kabang dadalan ing panaun.

kaluguran daka paul...kalwat kung penayan ing datang ka king bie ku...masaya ku uling kaht king ditak a panaun liguran daka at liguran muku...at asahan mung agyang nanu pang malyari, abe na ka king bie ku...sana mu dinan mung lugal king pusu mu ing apisabyan ta ini.

Hon Ko

Hon Ko, balik ka na ulit sa akin..ang hirap hirap na,...ang sakit sakit na...T_T

I am so sad cause I have these fears that you may not come back again..

I love you..and will always do. May you find me worthy for your heart.

I Miss My Paul

I miss him so much. If only I can embrace him again...=( I'm so sad.

I do not know how to end and start the day without him saying goodnight and good morning...And I miss that now.=( T_T

I know it was my choice yet, it doesn't mean I am not hurting..I am hurting a lot because what I did is not what I want...that maybe what we need. For us to know how we really value each other. I thought even though we just simply shared  little moments together, shared little time yet, I thought, it would be easy..but for me to realize that it is not like what I expect.  The past days, I sleep not because I am sleepy yet because I am tired crying...and it doesn't end there...even in my dreams I cry...and wake up in the morning crying too... The worst was during the first morning, I woke up because I was crying..I just do not know but I woke up simply because I've lots of tears in my eyes..that makes me ask my self if I ever stopped crying that night.Well, I can simply utter...well, I love this man..I love Paul.

But I do not hold the chance of making things work again. No matter how I want to make him back, I still need to wait for him if ever he finds my worth in his heart. And if in case, he wan't able to find me valuable, then I must accept that I made the right decision...But I want him to prove me wrong..I want him to tell me that I am wrong..that I am worthy to be hold, that I am worthy to be loved...that I am worthy to be with him... I do not demand..all I want is for me to realize that I am his girl..that I am his love...that I am worthy to be with him... All of these aren't demands..they are what I should have... Paul, please prove me wrong..

I love this man, but if I just do not want to tolerate what is wrong between us. There is something wrong...we have to admit...and we should work for it...and if we can't then, we can't go far. And if no one is willing to make things better, then we can't have the best from each other.

Never did I be so stiff, that i can't forgive.. Never did I was impatient because I was able to wait for so long long before he came. Never did I was able to sacrifice, because I was able to love unselfishly...Never did I become so selfish, because i was able to give my heart.

I wish he may find in his heart that I still love him.That I do not want to make things hard, but I simply want to make things right. I hope he will understand the way I think will make us strong if we can surpass it. I hope...I hope and I pray a lot. So much.

I am leaving my fate to God with my wholehearted faith. I am asking Lord to go between us always, that he may be our center so we can always find the right path towards each other...Lord, to you I ask and I know you'll give the best answer for me. Thank you.

I Do Not Know

I do not know if I am taking the right step, yet I have to stand to things that I believe will soon make things fine. I do not know if what I did will really make things work, but I have no choice. I want to settle to things that commit to mutual understanding, to mutual sharing, when no one harms yet both benefit..and that will make things last...to what they call forever.. I do not intend to hurt or give up, yet I know giving up doesn't really tell you are weak, yet it simply shows that you are strong enough to decide on things even though it will hurt you much. I do not know cause I do not know where it will bring me.

To feel that you are worthy and worth fighting...that is what I want to feel...that is what everyone needs. And if it fails to feel yet one should let go..I love to love yet I do not want to sacrifice a life without receiving quality love...


Deep within my heart...I love Paul..but I have to set him free...

I seek for God's glory and guidance..I seek for His light. May he share light and strength to our hearts so we can see and follow His will.

The Way I Understand It.

I often tell myself to be patient..to be accepting...to be kind...to be loving. I often want to be like these...I often want to make my ideas of love real. I often want to live the way I learned love. I often want to do these..cause I do believe that what you saw is what you'll reap. That, if you do it that way you'll reap sweet fruits. I want to give the man I love the feeling of love that cannot be compared to anyone. I always want to let them feel that I can love them more than anyone can do. But I can't do these if they won't let me. 

In as much as I want to do lot of things, I can't insist. I do my part, but I do not insists what i want. For things are sweeter if they give/do it without any reservations or without any force. I am saddened that I haven't found the man who will make me feel that I do not need to insist myself. That they know what I want/ need even before I say it.I do not know, or maybe they just do not understand me. 

Or am I too demanding? Do I demand too much when all I ask is a purposeful time? Do I demand too much when all I want to feel are things must work the way they should? Do I demand too much when all I want is to share the most important parts of my life with the one I love?  Do I demand too much when I only want is for me to feel that I am not any other priority? Do I demand too much when all I ask is understanding? Do I demand too much when all of these shouldn't be even asked? When all of these should really be given even without asking? If ever I am, then what should be left for me?

Though love should be unconditional, love still work and bear fruits if it will be shared by two hearts bonded as one...where its beat synchronizes with each other... where every emotions shared should be fair...where love should never be asked yet be given...where it beats to give life...where both lovers receive love...

Love does not intend to change the way we live, yet it intends to voluntary change a little part of how we live because in love, you do not live on your own, you have to live to let your love one live with you... and that needs a little sacrifice. 

My heart loves a man..and when I enter a relationship, I promise to do my best...to give my time..to share my time...to do more than anyone can do for the one I love...I want things to be extra ordinary...(for that man is the most special for me)...to share a part of my life...to let him feel that he is always in my heart in whatever I do...to let him feel that I love him...for love is something not just being uttered but something being shown. 

My heart loves a man...and yet my heart longs for him...

Oh, God I ask for Your light for my way seems to be dark again. In everything, I know it is You who knows what I deserve and whom I deserve. . . Please lead me to his way. 

A Lovely Evening of July 26

To meet the friends of Paul is something that makes me happy. It is one of the things that I've been waiting. Isn't it lovely to meet the people loved by the one you love? Isn't it lovely to feel that you are someone being introduced to his couple of friends? yes it is. And that makes this night very lovely.

I enjoyed the company of his friends though i just want to be sensible first. I try to find out how they talk..how they communicate...but it is not a big problem for me since I am always flexible. I can mingle with different kind of people.

Michael, a friend of Paul, treated us at Ala Creme! Thanks Michael! You are so generous! I also met Maridel, Kelly and Jeff. Nice people! Nice friends! After our dinner, we had a coffee at Northwalk. A goodway to continue conversation out of the cozzy and fine place of Ala Creme.

I missed Paul a lot.and as usual, Just by simply being with Paul, it eases and reciprocates those waiting days. I seldom be with this man and yet each time i am with him, he always make me feel fine, special, and loved...in his very simple and unique way. Love is not so extravagant yet it only takes simplicity for a heart to feel its deepness.

I am looking forward for more chances of enjoying the company of Paul's friends.Thanks hon for this night. I will never forget this night. I love you hon!

A Dream Come True

First month...a fresh start...

First month...a fresh start...

God is so good that He blessed me with a love that promises nothing but simply love. God is so generous and kind that He entrusted me with a heart that keeps on loving despite of pains. God is so beautiful that He shares the beauty of life and the worth of living. God is so lovely that He gave me Paul...

In every relationship, there is a start. And in every start, there is adjustment. And in every adjustment, there are sacrifices. There is no successful relationship that starts perfectly. Everything needs to face challenges, everything needs to stumble blocks, everything needs to experience even the saddest and the most unwanted thing in life like pains, like tears, like lost, yet from these we learn the value of success....the value of giving...Thus from these, we learn love in its deepest sense.

I have loved and lost a lot of times and yet I never stop hoping and praying for a love that will love me unconditionally. I've known love and sometimes it saddened me that no matter how I purely offered it, I am  left alone and stranded for so long. I had a lots of pains, and yet, I am thankful for another hope..for another love...for this one month that I have Paul.

I honestly do not know how to start. It is really hard to start over again. To work with broken pieces. But the mystery of love works as love will make you feel that you were never been broken...you were just prepared for the real score of life. That in the nearest end, you'll be strong enough to face more challenges. That these things happened because you need them for you to become a better person. Again, I repeat, it is hard to start over again. But I ask guidance from God to shower me with His wisdom and light; so I'll never be wrong again.

God knows when to give you a man whom you consistently ask for. He will give him to you once you stop asking, once you accepted his divine guidance and will., once you stopped asking. once you stop complaining. God knows when your heart is ready. God knows the right time. And all we need is to wait for Him...To acknowledge His gracious hands.

I would like to thank God for this month that I have embraced love once more...though everything is whole new thing....Everything is something I never had before. Everything needs adjustment..Yet I accept this everything. For love asks nothing but only love...a love that is willing...a love that is self-sacrificing...a love that is real. Yes love needs to be reciprocated though it never asks.

Thank you Lord for giving me John Paul, though things might not be clear yet I trust you.  As always, I promise you that i will share a love the way You taught me how to love. I promise to be sincere, patient, and giving, for that is what You are to me.

And to Paul,  would like to thank you for loving me and showing your love in very simple way. Thank you for making my days light. Thank you for putting the colors of the rainbow into my life. Thank you for simply being there..Thank you for loving me. Thank you for coming into my life. I pray more for the two of us. I never expect yet, I have faith.

CHAPTER 3: THE MORNING SUN

CHAPTER 3: THE MORNING SUN

A Sequel of the Twilight and the Raining Before the Break of Dawn

By: Josephine Luz de Leon

The magnificent glowing rays of the sunset makes the morning birds sweetly chirp and the flowers dance seemingly like they’ve longed to feel the warmth. The wet soil starts to dry as it was moistened by the evening rain. The wind was so delicate and soothing and that brings inspiration for the whole day’s tasks. It is a sweet promising morning.

During the twilight, she excitedly sat and waited for the growing sunrays. As the light became clearer, her vision followed. The stiffness brought by the cold raid and breeze was gradually coated by the warm sun. And now, the long wait is over.

She found herself giggling as she remembers the dream she had when she was sleeping. She slept when the night was old. She was tired then. And the exhausting night made her deeply asleep. She remembers that someone peeped in her dream brought her home and kiss her goodnight. She knows her subconscious body smiled. And when she woke up on that twilight, she felt the excitement for the morning sun. …and that is because of the man who existed in that dream.

She walks freely and graciously over the garden and observes the beauty of the flowers, enjoys the songs of the chirping birds, and feels the comforting touch of the wind. Everything is relaxing. Everything gives a good aura…almost everything. She’s been waiting for this! She does not know how long she had waited. This morning wraps her with a glowing hope.

This certainly marks a new day and so a new journey. Though the fear that traumatized her during the evening is still there, she remains fighting and hoping to overcome it. She needs to move on. All the reasons are in her hands now. All she needs to do is smile, walk and continue. And that what she does.

One hour after her walk. Her dream comes true. Comes a man who touches her heart and washes away her fears. Comes a man whom she finds as an answer to her prayer…He is a heaven’s sent.

As they converse, the man said,

“When can I say, you and I?” Simple yet it touches her heart to find a man who wants her to call “mine.”

She seeks and rushes over her heart.  And she said,

“Despite my fears, I welcome you,
For love is found within my heart;
And I promise to continue loving you.” 

Your sweetness causes my smiles and laughter;
Your words, I carry, I won’t get lost;
Your love is a gem that I treasure most.

This early morning, they hold hand. Walk together and hopes for a joyful day…a forever in a day.

Deep within her heart, she whispered,

Now that you truly came into my life;
I still have a prayer, I solemnly ask,
To be with you, forever and a day;
And turning back won’t find its way.

The man kisses her lips and claims a promise,

“I will never leave you and I promise I will love you till the end of time.”

It is indeed a sweet morning full of promise...a brand new journey that requires courage to face another trials and circumstances that may come within the day. And yet she decided to commit again…with full love and sincerity.

She remains fearful to face the noontime and the coming of the afternoon. But then, only faithful and true love can also calms her heart. In time, all the fears will cease and only trust will remain…in time… and hopefully she will find all the strength before the noontime. The Noontime sun brings too much heat and sometimes burn even the toughest. She hopes to be prepared…with the man she loves. She prays to be with this man in all her undertaking…in all her successes and failures. In everything, she prays to have a companion, a partner, a love, no matter what time of the day…no matter how easy or tough are the challenges. No matter what… no matter where…no matter when.

This very morning, let her enjoy the morning.  Savor its happiness, glory and blessings with her man. Let her love…for her love is true...for her love is pure… for her love commits eternity…for her love knows what love really is.

July 12, 2011

7;44 PM