Three months now, and I am still counting. All the while I thought I have taken a big step in moving on not until now. I never thought I'll cry again as hard as the first months. I never thought that a single thought of him, a single word from him would shatter all my left strength which I tried to hold as I take my way to move forward. It breaks me once more...and I know it will continuously break me...I know I should have moved on. It is three months now since my heart was broken. It is a rocky road. I should have healed my heart. I thought I did. I thought I was able to bring back the smile in my face. But they seemed to be masks that conceal what I truly feel. Because every night there are still dreams of him. Every night there are still tears and I can still hear myself calling his names. It is as if he can hear me. it is as if he can feel what I feel. But I know there is no way for that.
I wasn't able to hold my tears and control it. I burst out. I cried and almost wasn't able to teach. But thank God I managed to compose myself. I cried for something I am not certain. I do not know if I cried because he accepted my favor, or if would really getting that thing back is all I really wanted; if I cried because I hear from him again after a long time or because I missed him; if I cried because I pity myself for I wasn't able to really move on or because what they say, I am just keeping what I really feel; If I cried because I can feel he will never be back or because I just really can't accept the truth; and If I cried because I still love him the way I love him.
Yes he is right, he just do not know how painful and shattered I am for what happened between us. Yes he is right, it is unimaginable heartache. I am broken in tears as I write and I know this is another blog that truly makes me cry.
If only I can ask God to bring back what He took away from me, I would ask, but I know I can't have that back. Now all I can only pray for is for him to heal me..truly heal me, and to finally find someone who will never leave me and will always love me until the last second of my breath. It is hard to live and love and get broken again and again.
