I'm in a Fantsy Land! Love it!

I love the costumes of my students during our college Night At Gigster Pampanga! The wore their respective costumes. Love the Encantadia and the fairies!

my life

if i'll trace back my life, i will always see repeated events. my family life never changed. it never grow. it often exhausts me. it often makes me cry. it often pushes me down. i wish one day, i can lift it to something new. i am drained and i am hungry for change. i want to make our life stable and fine but i do not know what's happening. it always goes back to square one.this in the biggest part of my life that i wish that want to change. i want it to grow but i do not know how.

it hurts me so much that whenever we are financially down, my family makes it harder for me. instead of making it better or help each other, i can't find no way. i stressed me. it makes me drained.i makes me weak. i want to give up or end up life but i just can't i just wish i never exists. i hope one day they will realize how hard it is to me.one they they will realize that i need someone to make things right for me and for us. i wish sometimes to set back my principles. but again, i just can't.

i pray. God give me strength again. I am tired of it. Make me live a new life.

A Photograph in Zambales

April 24-25. With the sea, its waves, and the wind, I am missing dhie. But together with this is a promise that I'll be fine to rest our hearts, and finally find our separate lives. You will always be one of the most important chapter in my life.

a heartfelt talk

I was surprised when tita benil told me, "I will talk to you after your lunch." I was with my classmates in the GS and we went to WOK for lunch. I was kinda nervous,do not know why.but somehow have an idea. After the lunch I approached her. then we talked. It was something like I can't explain. It was a heart to heart talk. It warmed my heart. I cried. I would like to thank her so much. Thanks tita for the words I'll always remember.I'll see you this may, as a promise. I'll help you.

I Had a Dream

Naiinis ako sa panaginip ko ngayon. Bakit ganoon? Ano ibig sabihin non? Yhhh.. I am doing all my best to move on bakit nanaginip pa ako? Sa panaginip ko, narefresh sa akin yung nangyari sa amin.Sa panaginip ko, umuwi na sya at pinaramdam lang nya na hinding hindi na kami magkakaayos. Eh alam ko naman yon eh. Alam ko naman na uuwi na sya at alam ko din na wala na ring balak na magkaayos kami. Yun nga yung tinatanggap ko ngayon. At alam kong tanggap ko na. I was just surprised when I woke up today and I feel bad about it. In my dreams, I am crying. Sabi nila ang panaginip daw ay kasalungat ng mangyayari. Ibi ba sabihin nito na hindi na ako iiyak? O ang ibig sabihin ba noon ay magkakaayos kami? ewan ko. Minsan din naman, yung mga panaginip ko nagiging totoo. Hay, ano man mangyari, maluwag kong tatanggapin, para wala ng magkasakitan pa at wala ng pahirapan. Tama na iyong maging masaya ako na kahit minsan, naramdaman kong mahal nya ako at nakasama ko sya. Sa bagay, sa bawat sandali namang nakasama ko sya ay para na akong nabuhay ng matagal.Tama na lang siguro yung makuntento kung ano ipinaramdam at ibinigay ng Dios.

Malapit na syang umuwi, sana sa kanang pag uwi, lahat ng naramdaman ko ay napawi na. Upang maluwang na ang aking pakiramdam at wala ng luha. Wala na sana akong planong magsulat pa ng tulad nito,kung hindi lang sa panaginip na ito. pero sa tingin ko, kailangan ko ding ilabas para hindi ko na iniisip ito sa buong maghapon. Luluwas pa man din ako ng maynila ngayon, sa lugar kung saan puno ang aming alalaala.

Ang Mananalakay

Isang multo, ang turing sa iyo.

Minsa'y nandyan, minsa'y wala.

Minsa'y nananakot, minsa'y nanunuyo.

Ano ba talaga ang iyong sadya?

Mananalakay, ikaw nga

Sa gitna ng kawalan

Bigla kang dumaan

Iyong tinangay ang pusong sugatan.

Multo't mananalakay,Iisa ka lang

Sa pagdating mo'y hindi mawari ang dahilan

Ano nga ba ang iyong pakay?

O ikaw ba ay sadya lamang na mananalakay?

April 19, 2010

Finally, I broke the Silence

Finally, I got the strength to tell Papa the score between him and me. It was hard at the start. I would like to thank my papa for understanding what happened between us. He said, kayanin ko daw.Maging malakas daw ako. Alam daw nya na masakit iyon sa akin. Alam din nya na mahal na mahal ko sya. wag daw akong umiyak. Ganon daw talga. I was broken into tears again. But I know it is fine. Mas ok na ako ngayon compare before.

He was saddened of what I told him but i know he just tried to be strong to for me. He just tried to give words as a father. He said, kung sino man daw makikilala ko sa hinaharap, piliin ko daw ng mabuti para di na daw ako masktan pa. Sino man daw mahalin ko, mamahalin din daw nila. Gawin ko daw kung ano makakapagpasaya sa akin.

I know they just wish the best for me. Thank you papa and mama for always being there. People come and go but they are the one who will never leave me. I know today is just the right time for him to know. I know from this very day, everything will change.

Finally, I broke the silence

Finally, I got the strength to tell Papa the score between him and me. It was hard at the start. I would like to thank my papa for understanding what happened between us. He said, kayanin ko daw.Maging malakas daw ako. Alam daw nya na masakit iyon sa akin. Alam din nya na mahal na mahal ko sya. wag daw akong umiyak. Ganon daw talga. I was broken into tears again. But I know it is fine. Mas ok na ako ngayon compare before.

He was saddened of what I told him but i know he just tried to be strong to for me. He just tried to give words as a father. He said, kung sino man daw makikilala ko sa hinaharap, piliin ko daw ng mabuti para di na daw ako masktan pa. Sino man daw mahalin ko, mamahalin din daw nila. Gawin ko daw kung ano makakapagpasaya sa akin.

I know they just wish the best for me. Thank you papa and mama for always being there. People come and go but they are the one who will never leave me. I know today is just the right time for him to know. I know from this very day, everything will change.

pinaiyak ako ni mommy let.

Hmm..mommy let messaged me in the facebook asking kung wala na kami ni giddy.Finally I said yes, after two months na pagtatago sa kanila. Kakaiyak pala kapag you are going to embrace again to the truth after you are trying to escape from it.I think i need kailangan ko na din sabihin kay papa ko para wala ng iyak in the future. hindi ko pa pala naibigay lahat ng tears...

Almost over You

The title of this blog reminds me of a song and it was really taken from that song. My classmates in USTGS asked me to sing this during our outing in Pangasinan. They say, move on Josh. There are lots of bangus to catch...though literally we were fishing bangus that day but figuratively speaking, they just want me to move on from the pain I have.

Singing the song really made me realize that I really have to. Two months of grieving is long enough especially when you were already left alone in vain. Seemingly unfair to see that the one you are trying to overcome had already made it. Personally, I do not call it unfair, I know it is his ways. Mas madali lang magmove on kung marami kang kasamang magsaya at marami kang kasamang maginuman. Ang masakit lang doon, is the realization na ganoon ka lang kadaling kalimutan.Hmmm.. well, I do not want to go deeper on this cause I am putting a period in this chapter of my life. I already made the first step of moving on...and I am glad. I'll gladly embrace the statement.."I'm moving forward." I know this is the best thing to do.

Still reminiscing the song I sang in Pangasinan, I am now deeply asking, am already over him? Not already..but almost.

When I was in Pangasinan, I asked the sea to carry my pains with its waves. I devoted myself talking to nature as they are God's little creatures that symbolizes lots of meanings. As I see the waves reach the seashore and erase what I wrote in the sand, I am somehow relieved cause I know, God is doing his ways of carrying out my pains. Thank you God.

letting go

i was browsing my previous blogs in my blogspot when I saw this posted last february 8, 2009. i posted this just to show that i was breaking up with him, though kunwari lang. ngayon pala, magiging totoo rin. but it is not because i broke up with him, but he broke up with me.. soooo sad.. but this is the reality.hai hai. here it goes.

relationship doesn't have guarantees. it never assures you of forever. what makes me sad about it is to see the one you love leaving you. letting go is the last thing i always want to happen yet, it seems to be the always thing that happens to me. no matter how happy you are, no matter how firm you are, no matter how committed you are, there will always come a point that you have to let go, not for you to be happy, but for the one you love to be happy. there are things that you let to happen not because you want it, it is even against your will, yet you have to because you just simply want the best for the one you love. maybe being with you is not enough, because there are so much things you have to consider. what saddened me is the thought of distance, of the absence of presence. it is not because of lack of trust, but because of uncertainties. it is not because of lack of love but because of unknown fate. there are people who are around me, have felt my presence yet been able to forget me, what more to those people who are not with me? thess are the thoughts that make up my fears. it hurts to let go yet you have to. and if you will ask me? am i into this idea? i hope you know how to read between the lines.

another blahblahblah blog...

I try to dedicate my whole week relaxing, chatting,texting, facebooking, blogging and playing computer games though I have to attend my classes on Monday and Wednesday, still I spend more of my time doing different stuffs. I know i am doing it for myself. I would like to treat myself first with the luxury of time in doing things that I want to do because soon I have to dedicate myself to another phase in my life. This coming June, I'll start to adjust to new things.The first half of the year is something I dedicate to my past. As of now, I can say I am now crossing the bridge to something new. New work, new environment, new life..new love? I do not know...It will come in the right time.

This weekend I should spend time finalizing the midterm examination of my students. But I think I have to have bottles of beer with my college friends.=) Then would have to prepare for the three events week after the exam, sport fest, acquaintance party at Gigster, and of course the Faculty outing. I am in-charge of the cheering competition and the dance contest. lot of things to do.

Making myself busy all the time is something that helps me. Doing crazy stupid things during lonely times still make me feel fine. Doing blogs is a good outlet. It really helps a lot. Chatting also does for it makes me busy and get to know people more. a good way to brighten my day. Facebooking now makes me meet my old friends. Going out with friends, well, the best way.

I'll have more.I'll surely have more. I am now ready to embrace new life and together with my friends, we will cheer to that! sabi nga, Welcome to singlehood..(tama ba?) hehe.. I remembered a friend saying, "well josh, in demand ka naman, ali wa ing malagu."hehe! well, ganun lang talaga ang buhay. People come, people go..then people come again..until one day you'll find out, that they will never leave again. who's who? no one knows.

Ikaw na ba ang huling alas?

Sino ka? Sino ako?

sa buhay ko? Sa buhay mo?

Tanong ko:

Ikaw na ba ang huling alas?

Hindi ko alam

Sabi mo alam mo

Kung ano tayo.

Hindi ko alam

Sabi mo alam mo

Sa pagdating ng panahon

Magiging tayo.

Nasasaktan parin ako

Pangako mo

Ang pagpawi nito

Hindi ko pa alam

Sabi mo alam mo

Magmamahalan tayo.

Hindi ko pa alam

Kasi malabo pa.

Sino ka? Sino ako?

Sa puso ko? Sa puso mo?

Ikaw na ba talaga

Ang huling alas ko?

labingdalawa ngayon, dalawang buwan na.

dalawang buwan na nga ang nakakalipas, marami na ang naganap att marami na din ang napagdaanan. kung susuriin, matagal na panahon na iyon para kumawala pero tila parang kahapon pa rin. akala ko ay ok na. akala ko ay kaya ko na. oo, kaya ko na pero nasasaktan pa. nabasa ko ulit yung usapan namin nung araw ng aming paghihiwalay. itinago ko iyon.akala ko hindi na ako iiyak. ganun pa rin pala. kapag binabalikan ang nakaraan, kapag nakakausap ang mga may kaugnayan, kapag may naririnig na tungkol sa kanya, kay bilis sumariwa ng sakit. para ba silang alcohol na nilagay sa isang sariwang sugat, mahapdi pa rin.

marami na nga ang nagbago kasama na doon ang tibok ng kanyang puso. mahirap tanggapin kung tutuusin, pero ito ay pilit kong tinatanggap. hindi lang para sa akin kundi para sa kanya. sumariwa sa akin ang mga salita nya nungkami ay naghihiwalay. realidad ang aming pinaguusapan. realidad kung aming makakaya na ipagpatuloy ang pagmamahalan. siguro nga'y sadang ganon may taong sumusuko upang takasan ang paghihirap. siguro nga'y kailangang magbigay daan upang sa sarili'y mapatunayan kung ano ba talga ang tunay na nararamdaman. maraming siguro. ang hindi ko alam kung tama ba lahat ng nangyari. kung kailangan ba talaga naming maghiwalay.

patuloy parin ang pagdarasal kasama noon ang lahat ng paraan upang makatayong muli.patuloy parin ang pag usad kahit gaano man ito kabagal. darating din ako doon sa panahon na masasabi kong ayoko na.tapos na.

Ang sabi ni Ama

One day after my graduation, y family shared some words as we casually talk to each other. My father asked something and that something lead me ask him a question, "pa, what if hindi na sya bumalik? what if iwanan nya ko?" I asked these to him since he do not know what happened between us. I cried to his reply. He said, "It will be your fault if iniwan na ka nya, kasi pinagkatiwalaan mo sya. Pero alam ko namang hindi nya gagawin yon. If he is sincere to what he feels for you, he will never do that to you." He added, "I love giddy so much. He is like my son." With his responce, how will I get strength to tell him everything? How will I tell him, "Pa he just did.?"

I just wish someday even my father can move on to what happened to me. But before that, I have to take everything slowly for him. Of course, I do not want my father think bad things about him cause, he is not. Cause behind his silence I still understand his words.

Today, I am almost over him. I can say, a part of me have already moved on and will still continue to move on until the time, I won't see my self crying from his memories, until the time I'll left no tears whenever I hear about him. Until the day, I'll found myself learning to love again. Now, it is enough to say, at least I am done with the days of grieving for my heart. It is now time for me to fill and fix my broken me. He won't be here for me to fix my heart and I know it won't happen. I have to do it on my own. Though there are still pains, that is normal, but I'll do all things for me get over it.

To move on doesn't mean to forget, it just simply mean, you have to step forward towards something making your past as your strength and your learning foundation.

My Graduation

Solemn Investiture is a time to celebrate what one has accomplished and what he/she wants to achieve. As I graduated the degree in Master in Mathematics Education, I am full of emotions. I am happy for I have surpassed another trial in my life. I am grateful for all pains and struggles were stumbled down and make me say, "I made it.".

Graduate school before is just a goal for me, a destination. But as I go through it, I've learned that it is just more than a goal, it is a journey itself. It is a part in one's life that you'll learn that It is more than the courses that you enter each week. It is more than attending weekday classes at 6PM to 9PM; and the dedicating the whole Saturday studying, while other folks are just having their rest at home or having gimicks at weekend nights. In the end, I realized that all the sacrifices and hard works are worthy for I have achieve a great thing in my life, which at first I thought was just a dream.

My two years in the graduate school etched my knowledge, strengthen my patience and tolerance, and developed me as a whole person. There were ups and there were downs, but all these moments gave colors in my graduate school life. There were professors who are excellent and there were those, pwede pwede na. There were who give high credits there were those who are not. There were those who will really test your abilities and sometimes tested your patience. There were those crying moments when I thought I didn't made the midterm or final exams. All of these made me strive harder and compete to myself.

Aside from my experiences from the studies, I would never forget how my friends in graduates school balanced the hardships. They were those who pushed me to do better. This is where I felt that competition is never an issue. Well, of course, we are old enough. Rather, my friends were the one who gave us reasons to do better. The way they recognized our efforts. In graduate school, I found not only educational advancement, but I found true friends.

I found myself being matured emotionally. Though people and friends may see me as a jolly and funny person, deep within me I know, I am not just the little Josh. Within my two-year experienced in Grad Skul, I found and lost love. And this experience made me a better person.

Yesterday, I had my graduation and I can't help but reminisce everything. Yesterday, I can't explain how happy and fulfilled I am. I have reached another milestone in my life. together with this, I know is a bigger challenge that i have to pass in the coming months..in the coming years. I told like to lend the motto of a friend and make it as mine too, " If God put me here, I will be the best." Since God gave me the opportunity to hold a Master degree, I will try my best to be one of the best in the field.

Thanks to my Graduation Sponsors. LOL

As I enumerate the things I used in my graduation, I found my self counting people who shared somethings for me.

Thanks to the following:

Tita Berna and Ate Aubrey: for the dress and shoes. I really love them!

Engr. and Tita Pagcu: for the van service.

Mam sheng and Tita Suset: for the make up kit

Ate Che; for the hair Iron (tama ba name?)

Tita tess and myself: for the application of make up.

Tita Tess (of giddy) for ironing my hair.

di lang makatulog

April 6 at 1:00AM- May sakit na nga pero di pa rin makatulog. Ang dami nanaman kasing pumapasok sa aking isipan. Naiinis na ako kasi nakakaiinis na talga. Kung pwede lang sana matapos na kaagad ito. i want to end this part of my life pero bakit kahit anong gawin ko ang hirap hirap parin. though somehow, I can say, Ok na ko. Kaya ko na...may mga alaala parin kasing bumabalik at may mga salita parin akong naririnig. Lahat ng mga yan ay isinasantabi ko muna kasi kailangan kong tulungan ang sarili ko. Lahat ng mga nararamdaman ko ay binabaling ko sa iba para makalimot man lang. Mahirap kasing mag-isa. Kailangan ko pa ng panahon kung kailan maluwag kong mahaharap ang buong katotohanan. May mga bagay parin akong tinataguan. Ito yong mga bagay na alam kong magpapaiyak ulit sa akin. wala man akong magawa upang maipaglaban ang nakaraan, pero alam kong may magagawa ako para maipagpatuloy ang aking ngayon. Ngayon, hindi parin malinaw kung ano ang susunod, ano ang bukas. Balot parin ako ng dilim.

May sinabi si mama kanina na hanggang ngayon pumapasok sa isip ko. Alam ko nagmahal din sila ni papa ng isa pang anak kaya nararamdaman din niya ang nawalan. Ang di ko pa rin alam ngayon kung ano ang magiging pakiramdam ng Papa ko kapag nalaman nya ang tungkol sa amin. Di parin ako handang sabihin sa kanya. Alam kong mas higit na magdaramdam iyon kaysa kay mama. Nakakalungkot lang.

wala talaga akong mahusay na masabi ngayon. ang alam ko lang hindi ako makatulog. i feel empty. nalulungkot ulit ako. parang lumilipad ang isipan ko. hindi ko kasi alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin, na kung ano ba talaga ang dapat kong maramdaman. kasi parang lahat ng tao kasi nakapagmove na, ako na lang talga ang hindi. mabagal ang pag-usad ko kumpara sa iba. Malalim kasi ang ibinagsak ko kaya ganon kasakit at kahirap pang tumayo. Ang alam ko lang, sinisikap ko pa rin kahit gaano man yon kahirap. Piniplit ko parin matulog kahit sa pag-idlip parang wala paring pahinga ang nararamdaman. hapong-hapo na. Lagi ko lang dasal sa sana bukas, matapos na ito. Kung wala na rin lang pag-asa pa na ako'y balikan, sana ipagkatiwala na lang sa akin ng MayKapal ang kakayahang magpatuloy ng walang pag-aalinlangan. Ayoko na kasing umasa dahil alam ko na na wala na talaga.

sana makatulog nako ngayon, ngayong nailabas ko na itong gumugulo sa akin.pero di ko parin alam kung nasabi ko na ba talga lahat o kung magkakatugma ba lahat ng mga sinabi ko.basta malaya lang na lumabas lahat ng yan...

Good Friday- A reflection I'll always carry.

I had a blast!

I served the Holy Mass this Good Friday. The mass took 3 hours. I read the second reading. There are so many parishioners who attended the mass. People of Bacolor's from nearby towns and provinces gathered together to commemorate this solemn event. I feel quite nervous before I read my part. But I took a very prayer and asked God's guidance to deliver the reading well. And I am really thankful that I did it not only well, but very well. After the mass, people approached me and praising me the way i read it. even I, I will admit, it is the best reading I had for my entire lector's life. It is really important that whenever you read God's words, you ask for His spirit and guidance to be over you so you can read them from and with your heart.

After the mass, there was the procession. I joined the Rotary Club of Villa de Bacolor and I had a great time with them. They asked me to join them again this Rotary Year, but I'll see. It depends on my schedule. After the procession, I had a wonderful time with the Puno family. I love being with Kuya Manulet and Kuya Gary, the bachelors of Bacolor, achiever but very humble. They talked more about me and my future plans. I thank them for all the brotherly care.

Most of all, I love the reflections of the mass. It is on how well you perform your role in your life. It is when you perform it wholly and with all your heart, there you can say, you have done your part very well and completely. it is really nice to hear the way it was reflected in Kapampangan language. "Kapag genapan meng tutu ing kekang gagagnapan, karin mu asaping iti ya ganap."

This Holy week, I know I am lucky for I have achieved something for myself, to reflect something about myself. I may not be like Christ who have died in cross to perform the role that God asked Him to do, but I can say, I am just Josh, whom God send to shower love, to have fully perform it by constantly proving how love should be even people would take you away, forsake you, or just neglect you. It is not what people do for you but what you can do for people. It is how much you are willing to show people that you are weak and yet comes your strength from Him. I may not perfectly perform my role for I have some flaws, but I know, I have done it perfectly the way God want me to do.

Las Vegas

Sa lamyos ng simoy ng hangin

Iyong inakit ang sana'y sa akin

Binalot ng iyong yakap

At inagaw na ganap.

Sa manining mong liwanag

At ingay ng magdamag

Iyong hinarana ang aking nag-iisang pag-big

At inagaw ang kanyang pintig

Sa makikislap mong ilaw

Na makukulay na sumasayaw

Ay tuluyang inaagaw

Ang aking "ikaw."

Sa kembot at indayog mong mapang-akit

Ang marangyang pangarap na pilit

Ay nagdulot ng lubhang pasakit

Na sa puso ko ay wala ng hihigit.

Sa landi ng iyong pangako

Sa iyo'y aking ipinako

Ang tanging laman ng puso

Upang mapatunayan ang tunay na pagsuyo.

Ngunit sa lahat ng tiwala

Ikaw Vegas, ako'y sinira

Kasama ang pangarap ko

Pati na ang buhay ko.

Sa likod ng iyong mapangakit na kasiyahan

Liwanag mo'y hindi ko na masilayan

Wari'y napakaganda mong tignan

Ngunit sa loob mo'y isang huwad na kataksilan.

Maundy Thursday, I offered a prayer

Maundy Thursday, the celebration of the Last Supper and the washing of feet of the Apostles, I offered a prayer. I am glad that lights were turned off so no one saw me I am in tears. I prayed with all my heart. I offered a prayer, I offered my heart. I asked God to ride on my boat as I sail through my life.Like the boat, I know I will conquer dfferent waves of life, some may be calm but there are also time that rough and loud waves will shake my journey. I asked Him to protect me from the rough waves that constantly rocks my boat. I asked Him to guide my way. I am burdened and paralyzed in a certain point where all i can feel is loneliness and sadness. I asked Him to lead me. I asked Him to let me love again. I asked Him to take me to a man who will take good care of me, not only as a promise but a promise with commitment of fulfilling it. I asked Him to take me away from betrayal of trust. asked Him to take good care of me. I asked Him to take me in a place where I can find peace. I asked Him to take away all my pains. I asked him to keep me safe. I asked Him to show me the road to happiness cause in the past months,

Masarap ang Kasama ka

Masarap sanang balikan,

ang tamis ng nakaraan

Kung ikaw ay nariyan

At patuloy ang pagmamahalan.

Masarat sanang yakapin

Ang bawat kislap ng bituin

Kung ikaw ay kapiling

At patuloy ang paglalabing.

Masarap sanang ngumiti

at pagmamahal ang mamutawi

Kung sa bawat dahilan ay ikaw

Ang sa puso ko'y pumupukaw.

Masarap sana kung tayo pa'y nagmamahal

Dahil kahit nahihirapa'y patuloy ang pagsugal

Na kung gaano man ang pagdaanan

Patuloy toyong lumalaban.

Masarap sana na kasama ka

Kahit malayo'y nadarama ka

Na kahit mga salita at pag-alala

Alam kong ikaw ay hindi mawawala.