Sweeter than just being a graduate...

To graduate is sweet, but to finished it with flying colors is sweeter. Today I just learned and saw the Solemn Investiture invitation that I am graduating Cum laude. I just do not know how to feel when I've confirmed and knew that I am really graduating with this.

Got tired for the whole day for all I did is travel. I'll make a blog about my graduation after I took my rest. As of now, I am happy with the thing that I am graduating Cum laude.yey!

The continuation of this will be tomorrow.hehe..I'll sleep na. goodnight people!

love never ends in breaking up.

People say, love is over in breaking up. Maybe true, maybe not. But for me, it is not. Love never ends when two people decided to break their relationship. Though maybe things were not meant to continue or maybe things must happen to see a brighter hue. But I still believe that love never ends this way.Ironically, when love is true, love just begins in breaking up. This is just when you'll realize that you are just starting to love more when you know how to give way, to let go, and to sacrifice. It is when you stop asking why but learn to be happy for the happiness of the one you love.

I know, we broke up. But that never means, I stop loving him. it just started to be in its greater heights. But together with this love is a freedom and happiness i want him to hold. I might be in pain because of the truth that we ended our relationship, but he has my word, that I am still thankful for all the memories he shared with me. They are the finest and best. Our broke up doesn't mean that it is the end of us, it is just a start of making ourselves realize the worth of each other and of the gift that God gave us.

My dearest, please always take my heart with you for this is pure. My prayers are with you and you never lose me.

heart to heart talk

Last friday, Ate Vic and I had a heart to heart talk before we sleep. She said, she's happy for what i achieved and for who I am now. She said, " I see you know as a more mature person, compared to what you are few months ago." This is a statement I come to realize now. Maybe she is right. She is the first person to witness the pain I had after the broke up. It so happened that I have to go to Manila that very day and have to stay in their house. She was the one who untiringly listened to my stories and pains. She knew how hard i cried. She knew how hard it was and it is for me. She also knew how I struggle to overcome all these pains. From her statement, I believed what I had from my broken heart made me realized one thing, I just knew how to love. It made me a mature person, as what she said, because, I've learned how to accept and how to let go. I've learned to be strong by sharing my weakness. I've learned to love more by knowing how to forgive. I've learned that what I've shared to him is true because the love I have for him was never flawed despite of the pains I've got. I know, I just learned the very essence of love.

I thought, there is nothing more than having him as I call him mine. Now, I know I am wrong. Loving him is more than words can ever describe. Cause I've learned that i can still love him even on my own...For when you love someone even without asking anything in return would give love to its very essence. I am not a martyr as other people would have to describe it. I am just a person who've learned and discovered the greatest gift that God would ever give: LOVE.

As of now, I do not know where this love will lead me. It might lead me back to him, but I never expect it for now. Or it might lead me to finding another love. Again, I do not consider it now. What is clear is that, I have loved, I love, and I will still love. It is also clear that my pains are now pushing me forward and inspire me that one day when my time comes, I will be the better Josh, who is ready to share myself once more.

Maybe, Ate Vic is right, I become more mature, for I've learned to embrace the reality that almost paralyzed me. I've learned to be a better Josh. And I am still proud of myself, because despite of pains, I know how to thank, to love and to forgive.

a poem that is not.

How many times will I ever tell myself

that I have to leave

the pains i have inside

that I have to start anew

and never mind you.

How many times will I ever convince this heart

that you've left me and we're torn apart.

that all our love was sacrificed

and placed in vain and let it die.

How many times do I need to sleep

to still see you in my dreams

where we still enjoy each others arms

and where I can still call you mine.

How many times do I need to cry

for you to see I am dying inside

that the time you have left me marked a death

of a heart which from you found its breathe?

How many times do I have to say I have to move on

for me to leave what was left behind

that I should continue life as if i'm alive

and that you already have left me alone?

How many times?

I know it won't be enough

for I know inside my heart

My love for you never changed.

Weekends gave me lots of fun!

This weekend brought me again so much emotions. But this time i considered it fulfilling and overwhelming. When I arrived last Friday in UST, I've learned that I am not included on the graduating lists yet. And the problem, my evaluation and transcript were misplaced or let me say was not evaluated. So we (including my other classmates experienced the same.) had to rushed and do all the actions. Then, another pressure came, Prof. Leus forgot that I told her that I am graduating so she did not give me a grade yet. The pressure is, That day is the deadline for the grad skul to finalize the graduating. I took the very courage to call Prof Leus about it. And thank God, everything was settled. It is official, I am graduating on my graduate school degree! Yehey! Two years of finishing Master in Mathematics Education is not that easy. I have sacrificed career to its very essence. I have sacrificed restful days and turned them to sleepless once. I have dealt with different people, undermining different personalities and that somehow made me a little matured in dealing with people. Within the years of graduate school, I know it is bittersweet for I have met a person who have helped me a lot especially in giving me the most of advices and support. To cut the story short, I am now harvesting the fruit of my two year sacrifices. My experiences here will always be taken up to the end of my years.

Friday night ends by having a closing dinner with my classmates in Mathematics Education. It was really a superb night for we all had a great time eating so much until our stomach cant accept all the food in the table. Of course, Stephen, Tanya, and I, shared to that dinner as a graduation treat. Well also a cheer for having a grade of 1.25 from Dean Sison which I've learned the same day! Thanks! But also I would like to share it with Giddy who have helped me a lot in doing those requirements. I've learned from him a lot on how to do things scholarly. Hey Giddy, thank you. You will always be a part of my achievements and I will always thank you for that!

Saturday, Jhen, Chris, Stephen and I went swimming with Jhen's students! We went in St Agatha Resort in Guiguinto Bulacan. The place is really nice. I love the view. The fool has waves. and the good thing, I had a swimming but I didn't get burned.Just taking care of my skin for my graduation.LOL =)... I also try to gain my appetite for me to get some lean and recover from my lost weight since February. At least doing it for myself. Going back, the swimming with my closest friends in grad skul was really really enjoyable. From the very morning until going home, we never get lost of corny jokes lead by me and Chris! Well, I enjoyed a lot and I am now happy that I am able to do things to keep me busy. Thanks my friends! I'll see you in Pangasinan! Can't wait! for this time with all the Math Educ. majors!

Sunday, today, I attended the Palm Sunday mass. After the mass, I just approached my friend, Kuya Gary, hosts of the ABS-CBN TV PAtrol Pampanga, then suddenly he asked me to give some words on why I am attending the very occasion. Haha, That was an ambushed interview! Haha, I thought it was just a joke but then, when the camera and the microphone was on, I just really had to compose myself as if I know what i am doing.! well, the interview will be aired tomorrow, Monday , at Channel 46, that is ABS-CBN Pampanga. What a cool thing to start my day!

I'm looking forward for a busy summer months. Now, it seems that I have several outing schedules this April and May! I'll enjoy them as a treat for myself! I know , despite of what happened this previous months, I still deserve to be happy and I will. Let's drink to that!

the 25th...

March 25- This day marks the third month of the last time I held his hand, hugged him tight and kissed him sweetly. How I long these moments. Yes, it is 3 months already. I remember how hopeful I am on how we will conquer the distance and the trials that were set between our relationship. I remember how his promises and words before he left made me believe that we can make it. I remember how the past three months excites me on seeing him again. I remember everything for everything to me are still sound and clear.

But now, all I can do is recall everything. I know its been three months and nothing changed on how I feel for him. the only thing is the reality that I have to let him go. Set him free on what will make him happy. I know that is how I love him. To give and offer him all the things that will make him happy even though I know the cost will make my heart die. I know how big the sacrifice is. No one can even imagine how great my love for him, that despite of pain , and of losing him, I still pray and wish for the best for him. I want him to realize things that he really wants to do. I want him to be free from the worries and things that he wasn't able to accomplish. I want him be proud of himself. I want him to see himself. Know himself more. And if that means, I have to give him up, I will give up myself. And that is the reason, why I let him go. ..because I love him so much.

If only he could realize that. If only he recognized my worth to his life. If only he have tried to hold on more.If only he became stronger and faithful. If only he have loved me more,.maybe we never came in this situation.

I would wish for the day I will hold his hands again. ..embrace him as if nothing happens..and kiss him to remind him of the love we really laid for each other. I would wish for the day he'll be back into my arms to feel that I am protected and shielded from worries and pains. I would wish for those days. And even if those days wont come when I am still alive, I will still be hopeful that maybe in the other life, my wishes will be granted.

future plans...???

Now I am graduating, I still do not know what would be next. I want to go out, try my luck.but still do not have the opportunity yet. So as of now, I'll embrace myself to teaching jobs. As much as possible, not in the same school where I am now. Well, I was called already by a school here. I would take that as a choice.

I am glad, I am able to communicate to my brother's wife. I do not know where would that lead, but I hope someday somehow, i'll be able to go in US, for work or for tourist. I know Ate pinky will be of help in one way or another! A thought of that excites me to see my pretty pamangkins like me!

Got no plans yet. I have to make one soon. April would be my month of doing things for myself. ..and later for everyone. ..let say, a start. a brand new start. Let me take the whole month of March, savoring the left love and memories in me. I'll make one move after this. I promise. two months of grieving is enough I'll die if I will let another month.

Nights in Rodanthe

I started reading a book last night before I sleep, and I just finished it now, the "Nights in Rodanthe" by Nicolas Sparks. At first, I planned to read only few pages just to get my eyes tired and so i can go to sleep without thinking of anything...a sort of way to escape something. But I find myself reading up to the 9th chapter of the book and it took me hours reading it. When i looked at my watch, it was pass 2 AM. I needed to sleep. Soon I got home from work today, I started reading. Reading it in the middle of our yard feeling the gentle touch of breeze that somehow gives peace. And then took me more hours reading it in my room.

The story was never my story. But I've felt the pain of lost shared in the story. I never thought I'll be broken into tears when I finally reached the end. It was a story that portrayed lost, betrayal, grieves, strength, faith, trust, and love. It tells that "It is never too late for a second chance."

I find the story smoothly written. But it gave and left emotions that struck me and call for reminiscing...and then realizing. As what I have been doing now.

I cried because i felt the depth of love and also the pain of losing someone. But that book somehow thought me and made me realize that losing, though may brings pains..immeasurable pains, but at the end of it, there you'll find life for you and for the people whom you can share with.

Though all was over now, except the memories, all I am capable to do is to construct those with infinite care. Ours maybe a story that finds its end and no one but only time can tell how this will close its real chapter. Ours maybe memories of goodness and love shared...of friendship that more than a relationship would wish to have. Ours maybe a happy start but a sad end. There are weeps...There are bumps. There are tears. But ours I know, is a story that seldom happens in every ones life. The end of us may be an end common to all, but I know what we have given in times we were together are one of a kind.

I was hurt and i admit i am still hurting. But this won't do anything or can't bring back what was lost. Crying too cannot hold people when they want to leave. But no matter how I feel, I never said against the person whom I've offered my heart. When people ask me, what went wrong, I find myself saying, "This is maybe what is meant for us."

I think I need to leave everything about us for now. I know this is how he want me to do and what i should do. I'll glimpse back everything when I am ready to face them without hurting. I need to leave not because, I got tired hoping and loving, but I need to leave because i want to preserve the goodness and love we had before. I do not want to end things up with hatred. I would love to leave a chapter in my life where i am thankful for once he have shared his life to me. ...and where I can say, I have loved and learned to forgive.

I know it is never too late for a second chance. If it may not be for us, but at least for myself.

I will sleep with a smile

I'll sleep with a smile cause i can feel I'll be healed soon. I can feel my heart will find its way to peace. If days will come I have to go back and may still pain. I'll welcome it cause I know it is a part of moving on. But as of now, let me enjoy the night knowing somehow, somewhere, someday, I'll be fine.

Thanks to people who show support and love and for those who are willing to help me heal my heart. Thanks for some people who are willing to catch me and willing to wait until I'll be fine. Thanks to them for understanding that today is not a time for us because I am still in love and in pain. It is never easy to be fine. I appreciate them for trying to lift me little by little. If in time, I'll learn he is not really for me, then as what you have told me, who knows, it is for us? Well, I do not know. Today, that is not yet my goal, Because I need to be whole again before sharing myself again.

Shit!

I wonder before how would it feel to see someone flirting with him...or him flirting with other girls. Before, by just simply thinking that, I find pain and jealousy. But I have realized, it is more than pain and jealousy. When I saw his pictures with his cousins and friends posts, my broken heart is pounded and that hurts me more. But my question is, what can I do? Do I have the rights?what do I expect? All I can do is reminisce the days when, his eyes are only for me. When all his affections are laid only for me. what can I do when his place right now can provide him all the pleasures in life. What can I do when he is in a liberated world? What do I expect? And maybe this is one of the reasons why he can forget me this early. Now, everything is different. He left me. The saddest truth. Yes, it made me cry again, when I saw those pictures. But I think, those are just wake up calls for me...for me to realize that I do not have him anymore...that he find happiness even without me. I know soon, he'll find her girl to replace me. Maybe, I need to prepare myself for that cause I know I'll be in pain again.

Maybe this is how our love will end. Maybe this is how he wanted me to realize. Thank you for those pictures. Thank you for hurting me again and again. Thank you for all the pain he have given me. Thank you.

There are things that I am sure about. No other girls..freaking damn hot girls...can love him the way I did. But I know I am no damn american girls who can provide the pleasures he has right now. I wish him goodluck and real happiness.

they say; I say.

Sabi ng mga kaibigan, "ok lang yan JOsh, sana'y ka namang iwanan. " Maaring tama sila. Ang mga minahal ko ay iniwan ako. Sa ikatlong pagkakataon, nangyari ulit ito. Sabi ng iba, "Ok lang yan Josh, hindi pa sya ang para sa iyo." Maaring tama sila , pero sino ba ang nakakaalam? Sabi din ng mga kasama, "Ok lang yan Josh, maswerte kapa at iyan ang kalagayan mo, kumpara sa iba na mas mabigat ang dinadala," Maaring tama sila, pero paano ba mapapanatag ang puso kung alam mong kahit sa paanong dahilan, ikaw ay nasaktan? Sabi nila, "ok lang yan Josh, malalagpasan mo din iyan." Maaring tama sila, pero sana'y ganon lang iyon kadali.

Paunti-unti, tinuturuan ko ang sarili kong magpalaya... tinuturuan kong lumimot. .tinuturuan kong maging mas matatag...at tinuturuan kong maging masaya. Paunti-unti, ako'y nagpapagaling. Walang mabilisang lunas para sa pusong nasugatan. Maaring mababaw ako pagdating sa aking emosyon.Maaring sabihin ninyo na mahina ako. Maaring tawanan ninyo ako dahil paulit ulit akong nagiging bigo. Maarin. Pero wala ninuman, ang makakaintindi sa akin kung bakit ganito ako nasasaktan kung hindi ang taong minahal ko. Dahil alam nya, kung gaano ko siya minahal...at alam nya kung ano sya sa buhay ko. Kahit punti-unti.kahit araw araw ay may luha pa rin. Kahit bawat minuto ay naroon ang hapdi...alam kong nararamdaman ko ito dahil alam ko at nararamdaman ko kung gaano ako tunay na nagmahal. Siguro nga, mali ang magmahal ng sobra-sobra, siguro nga. Ngunit, sino ba ang tama? Alam ko naman kung nasan na ako ngayon, kung ano na ako ngayon...pero ang hindi ko lang alam kung kailan mawawala lahat ng sakit ng nararamdaman ko.

Nahihiya ako. OO, nahihiya akong aminin sa lahat, lalo na ng mga taong alam nila kung gaano ko sya kamahal. Nahihiya akong malaman nila, na ako'y ibinasura na lang. Alam kasi nila kung gaano ko sya ipagmalaki. Alam kasi nila kung gaano ko sya kamahal. Pero, sadya atang hindi naitatago iyon,. Kahit wala pa akong binabanggit, nararamdamn pala nila.

Sabi kanina, "Bakit nagbago daw ako. Bakit hindi na daw ako yung dating si Josh.?" Ang tanong ko, "Bakit, ano bang nagbago sa akin?" Ang sabi nila, hindi na daw ako yung dating masayahin. Lagi daw akong malungkot.Tahimik. Kung alam lang kasi nila, kung gaano ako nsasaktan, kung gaano ako nalulungkot. Minsa, nagagawa ko ding makisama, makisaya, pero dama din nmn nila na hindi iyon buo. Parang pagpapanggap lang.Panandaliang saya. Kasi, sa dulo non, nandon parin yung pait ng iniwanan. Basta ganon. Masakit parin kasi.

Ngayon, maaring hindi pa naghihilom ang sugat. Nandoon pa rin yung hapdi. Maaring, hindi pa ako gaanong handa. Pero araw-araw, sinusubukan ko. Sinasabi ko lahat kahit sa blog lang na ito, lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Hindi para kaawaan o tawanan ng iba, kundi para mailabas ko lahat lahat. Para matulungan ko ang sarili ko. Hanggang sa ako mismo ang mapagod.Tulad lang din ng pag-iyak, iyak lang ng iyak, hanggang sa wala ng mailuha. Ok lang naman masaktan, normal lang naman ang umiyak...kasi nasaktan ako eh..and that goes deeper. Sana, patuloy kong dinadasal, na magin akong tulad nya. Nakalimot na. Sana kaya ko ding

itapon lahat ng pagmamahal na ito... Sana dumating na yung bukas na hinihintay ko... yung bukas na paggising ko ay hindi ko na hihilinging matulog ulit.

Do not expect...

I am happy when my family prays the best for me. I am happy when my friends tell me to keep hoping that everything will turn out well for us. I am happy that people say that it is not the end for us. when they say that this is just a trial and at the end there is still rainbow for us. I am still hopeful because people believe and have faith with the love that we have shared. I thank them for being with me in this moment.

But when all people hopes for us. I am saddened and hurt when his family would have succumb to the reality that he just gave up. That he wanted to settle for his own..Well,maybe because they know him..I understand. though it still hurts me when they I do not have to expect that we'll soon be fine and end up together again. Maybe, that is true. Maybe they just want me to give up too. maybe they just want me to move on. well, that is maybe. But what really hurts me is when, everything about him, connected to him also loses hope for us. "Do not expect.." hurting..but i know this s the reality...he have trashed me.. he gave up on me..he have left me..and he is already moving on... (i wish I can do it too dhie.)

Maybe what I feel now for him is already useless. I know that no matter how I wanted to make him back, I cannot have that.I know no matter how I am willing to sacrifice for us to work out again, it wont happen anymore. I know I am just fooling myself. I am just this pity fool begging for something impossible. There are times it kills me and paralyzes me. Most of the times I am stuck in loneliness and pains. There are times I pity myself. There are times I hate myself. But there are times that all I can do is just kneel down and pray for something so good will happen.

I will love...on my own. I will leave when time when my heart is willing to give up everything...slowly... And maybe when that time come...there is no turning back..looking back...for I know it will just hurt me to look back and nothing..and no one is there but a bare and damn vain. Maybe today, I am hurt. Maybe today, I am suffering from pain, loneliness, betrayal, and from broken promises...But maybe..tomorrow..I'll embrace a new life for me.

My birthday, rough but still sweet...

The day was tough and rough especially when it comes with dealing my emotions. It is really stressful and painful to deal with problems. It is when all you wanted is to be happy but there are things that somehow keeps you holding back. It is not the person that I have lost that hurts me most, it is who I become whenever I am with that person. The josh who become so strong because of the trust and inspiration that I had.

There are also realities that you cannot do but accept. Also, there are people that no matter how you work hard and provide everything for them, they can still find what you can't give. It saddened me that after all the sacrifices, it turns out to be less appreciated. The arguments that I had with my father is something I never want to have. I feel very very useless and unworthy.�

But I am glad that even before the end of the day, I found reasons and ways on how to turn my day somehow to something so sweet and something fulfilling. I passed my comprehensive examination, though it is not really satisfying, but nevertheless, I am still happy because I passed it. I know my situation and condition then when I took my examination so the result is not surprising if I wasn't able to make really high. I just wonder why I had a very low grade in one of my subjects when I expect it to be one of the highest. Well, receiving a 2.0 grade from her really makes me feel sad. The lowest grade I have in my graduate school life. Well, again, I still feel happy for being able to do it.Atleast to graduate on this degree.�

Another sweet kiss of life that happened to me is my baccalaureate mass experience. It is my first time, and I feel being a Thomasian now, a real one. After the two years of struggles in course requirements, examinations and the travel every now and then. I do not have anyplan for my graduation yet. But I hope to have one soon.

Sweet, because of the greetings of so many friends. Ot the thoughtfulness of my closest friends, and also those whom I do not expect. Look at my three facebook accounts (personal, for students, and for joddy's unlimited)., and you have them, plus texts, YM, and email messages. I thank people who loves me and always there to cheer me up. Most of all, I would like to thank my mother, for the understanding and love that she always give me. She is the ice when everything seems hot. I thank her for all the sacrifices that she gives, a testament of her immeasurable love. �I also, thank my father, though we do not sound good today, but still, I love this man so much! And of course, to the apple of my heart, that despite of pain, I still find reasons to thank him. My heart is not hard and hate has no place. I offer acceptance and forgiveness to all who have hurt me, and all I want to leave is a prayer and a wish, that in whatever path they will take, with or without me, I want them to be happy.�

I might have felt incomplete, but I know soon I'll find the missing part in me. I might have lost, but soon, some one will find me. If in times, I might be inconsistent in my words, I hope somehow, people will understand, that what I am going through now, is really hard..It is that there are times I want to be fine, and or I want to feel ok.. but it is not really that easy. I hope people will still understand that to heal a broken heart takes time. And for as long as there is the pain, you will always go back to a moment where you grieve for your heart. I hope people will understand that the love that I have given, is a love that I want to share to someone I would want to be in my entire life; and the same intensity of love that stubbed my heart. I hope people will also have patience seeing me crying and or see me sad. I know, people knew me as a jolly and a sweet girl. I find it hard to share it, but I am trying. Maybe, I just really cant give it to others now, cause I do not have it as of now.�

Today, my natal day, the feast of St. Joseph, from whom I got my name, I want to share and open my heart again...for forgiveness, for love, and for patience. Today, I want to still share my heart to those who need it. Today is my birthday, And I'll be born again... love love love! peace peace peace!

Nothing more painful than this...

Nothing more painful than learning that everything about you was now trashed and received a word from your father, in front of me that I have given none. ..that my efforts are nothing. ..sana hindi nalang ngayong birthday ko. ang sakit sakit kasi.. dalawang napakahalagang lalaki sa buhay ko ang magpaparamdam na wala akong kwenta. ang sakit sakit.

My Real Birthday Wish

It's MArch 19. 12:50Am. I am 23 years old. I am quite excited on what will happen this year. I do not know if this will be a good one or not. But I hope to live it to the fullest.

My birthday wish? I have lists of them before. But rather,I won't wish for them all. I only have one wish now. I whispered it to God. And I know He will grant it when time comes. as what I've said, i won't wish for the past, it was already taken away from me. What I wish is for tomorrow. I know tomorrow won't guarantee me that I'll get what I want, but I know God will give me what I truly deserve.

I hope to say a lot after my day. This is the most special day to me.I value it more than any day in the year. I want it to be special, how? I do not know. I know it will be mixed emotions.

Katotohanan

May mga bagay dito na kahit anong pilit man nating baguhin ay hindi natin magagawa. Minsan siguro hindi na kailangan ang pilitin pang mabago ito, ngunit siguro'y ito ay isa sa mga bagay na kailangan lang matanggap. Ngunit sa pagtanggap sa mga ito ay hindi nangangahulugang pagsuko, o kaya'y paglimot, dahil minsan sa pagtanggap naipapakita lamang ang tunay na pagmamahal at pagtitiwala. Minsan kailangan lang tanggapin na may mga bagay o mga tao na hindi lamang laan para sa iyo. Siguro nga ay ganon iyon. Ngunit wala namang makakaalam kung ano ang tama at kung ano ang mali kundi ang ang bukas.

Marami ng bagay ang nagbago. Marami ng bagay ang kailangang tanggapin. At marami naring bagay ang kailangan na lang ipagkatiwala sa Maykapal dahil maraming mga bagay na hindi natin kayang hawakan at ipaglaban pa.

Minsan gustuhin man nating maniwala, at lumaban, pero minsan kailangan ding sumuko. Hindi ibig sabihin na hindi ka na lalaban o ikaw ay sususko ay duwag ka na. Ang mga mandirigma ay marunong din sumuko hindi dahil sa sila ay takot kundi kailangan lang nilang gawin iyon dahil alam nila na sa pagkakataong iyon at sa oras na iyon, ay talo na sila. Minsan kailangan lang nilang protektahan ang kanilang sarili at ang kapakanan ng iba. Ganoon din siguro tayo sa buhay, hindi dahil sumusuko kana ay ayaw mo nang lumaban, ngunit ito ay dahil alam mong wala ng saysay pa ang lumaban dahil alam mong sa dulo niyon ay kamatayan lang.

Minsan tunay na hindi pantay ang kaganapan sa buhay. Minsan kahit gaano ka magbigay ay hindi pa rin sapat. Siguro nga ay walang sapat dito sa mundo, dahil patuloy na may hahangarin. Siguro nga'y kapag naryan lang ang isang bagay ay hindi mararamdaman ang halaga. sa pagdating ng araw, malalaman ko din kung saan ako nagkulang.

Kung sa bawat pagkabigo at kawalan ay may luha, may sakit at may pangungulila, alam kong sa huli'y may saya din na mararamdaman. Maaaring hindi pa iyon makikita o mararamdaman ngayon, pero sa pagdating ng araw, mararating din iyon. hindi man bukas, sa susunod na linggo, sa darating na buwan, maaring sa pagdaan ng taon, pero kahit gaano man iyon katagal, maghihintay akong mahilom lahat ng sugat na aking nararamdaman.

Sa kasalukuyan, ako ay nawalan, nahihirapan at nakararamdam ng sakit, siguro dahil kailangan ko lang humarap ulit sa panibagong buhay. Kailangan ko lang maging matatag muli upang humarap ulit sa panibagong pagsubok.

Nagyon, magsasara ang isang taon ng aking buhay ngunit bukas panibagon taon na naman ang aking haharapin. ano naman kaya ang nakalaan para sa akin? hindi ko alam. Pero alam kong kahit anongmangyari, kailangan kong mabituhay ulit. Tumayo ulit. At higit sa lahat ang maghilom.

Marami akong dalangin at hiling sa bawat kaarawan ko, pero baka hindi iyon marinig ng Diyos, kaya siguro'y isa na lang ang aking dalangin, iyon ay ang matuto ulit akong mabuhay mag isa at kasama noon ay malapagsan lahat ng sakit na ito. Hindi ko na rin hihilingin ang ibalik sa akin ang nakaraan dahil kailangan ko ding tanggapin na may mga bagay na kapag nawala na ay hindi na babalik muli. Kailangan ding maintindihan na hindi ka iiwanan kung ikaw ay mahalaga. Ang Diyos na lang ang magpapasya. Siya ang higit na nakakaalam.

Bukas din, kailangan kong ihanda ang sarili ko, dahil bukas, kailangan ko din magpaalam sa mga taong naging bahagi na ng buhay ko sa nakaraang isang taon. Kailangan ko ng magpasalamat sa kanyang pamilya sa lahat ng pagmamahal at pagtanggap na naibigay nila sa akin. Hindi iyon papantayan ng kahit ano pa man.Kailangan na nilang malaman ang totoo. Bukas, kaarawan ko na..araw ng aking kapanganakan, kailangan ko muling isilang ang panibagong buhay sa akin. Ngayon, mag isa ulit akong haharap sa buhay pero kakayanin ko.

Sana sa huli'y matututo na akong lumimot at maging masaya ng wala sa piling nya. Dahil alam kong natutuhan na nya iyon. Isang malaking paalam sa nakaraan at isang maluwag na pagtanggap sa hinaharap. Marming salamat sa lahat.

I had enough...

I had more than enough...I've given a lot. I know to hold on is useless. It is over now. I have to end it now. I have to place myself on where I should be...I'll keep my promise, you'll never hear from me.

Isang araw nanaman

Isang araw na naman ang nakalipas, mabigat at may luha pa rin. Hindi pa rin nagbabago. Ganoon pa rin. Ang ipinagkaiba lang, ngayon patago na lang. Yung hindi nakikita ng iba. At mas mahirap. Kasi kailangan mong itago lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Isang buwan na nga ang nakakaraan, isang buwan na rin akong parang dahon na nililipad na lang ng hangin..sumusunod kung saan ako mapadpad. Isang buwan na rin mula ng nawala sa akin ang taong pinahahalagahan at minamahal ko. Isang buwan na nga, pero parang kahapon lang.

Madalas, anu-ano ang pumapasok sa isipan ko. Lumilipad. Nag-iisip. Nag-aalala.Naguguluhan. Anu-ano na rin ang nararamdaman ko. Nasasaktan. Nalulungkot. Nanghihina. Nangungulila. Minsan nakakasawa na rin. Kaya anu-ano na nga ang ginagawa ko para matakasan lang ito...minsan nagmumukha na nga akong tanga. tulad ngayon, kausap ko nanaman ang computer ko. umiiyak na lang bigla. Kapag nasa sasakyan, mapa san fdo lang, quiapo, o sa bus papunta sa grad skul at pauwing pampanga. sa simbahan, nagmamakaawa sa Kanya at umiiyak parin. Wala pa atang araw na hindi ako umiyak mula ng manyari sa amin ito. Kung katangahan ang masaktan dahil nawalan ka ng taong minamahal; kung katangahan ang umasa na sana bumalik sya; siguro nga tanga ako.

Kanina, nalaman ko na ang mga nalalapit na mga importanteng araw sa buhay ko maliban sa aking kaarawan, ang nalalapit na pagtatapos. Masaya. Pero bakit sa kabila nito, may nakakapa akong kulang. Hindi ko na itatanong kung ano iyon dahil alam ko kung ano. damang dama ko. Sana kasama ko syang nagsasaya. sana masaya kong naririnig na masaya sya para sa akin. Sana nararamdaman ko na proud sya sa akin. Pero alam kong suntok sa buwan na lang lahat ng mga ito.

Ilang beses ko na ring gustong palayain ang sarili ko sa sakit ng nararamdaman ko, kasi sobrang apektado na ako. Ilang beses ko na ring tanggapin na ganito talga ang kapalaran ko. Ilang beses ko naring tumigil umasa. diko narin mabilang kung ilang beses ko na itong nasabi sa mga blogs ko. Marami na, paulit ulit na nga lang. Pero ilang beses ko ding dapat maintindihan na hindi ganon kadali ang lahat. Para sa isang taong puno ng pagmamahal at sa taong totoong nagmahal, hindi iyon madali. Mahirap lalo pa na kung pangarap at kaligayahan mo ay iisa; ay mawawala na lang. Mahirap bumitaw sa pangakong isinumpa kasama ng mga panalangin, na patuloy kang lalaban.

Ngunit alam ko, ako lang naman nagpapahirap sa sarili ko eh. Ako lang naman ang nandito. Ako lang din magpapalaya sa nararamdaman ko. Wala sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin, at wala din sa kanya. OO nga, wala na din sa kanya, kasi wala na rin ako sa puso nya. Isang bagay lang naman yan, hindi ka pababayaang maghirap at patuloy na masaktan ng isang taong nagmamahal sa iyo. Di ba't iyon ang huling bgay na gugustuhin nilang mangyari? Pero kapag hinyaan na, kapag binalewala na...ibig lang sabihin non wala ka na. Ito nga ang pilit kong isinasampal at ipinamumukha sa sarili ko. Baka sakaling magising ako.

Naniniwala ako, na ang pagmamahal ay hindi marunong tikisin ang taong minamahal. Hinding hindi. Kaya dapat kailangan ko ng tanggapin na hindi na niya ako mahal. Masakit. walang kasing sakit. Ito na ang pinakamasakit na nangyari sa loob ng 23 taon sa buhay ko. Sana makaya ko pa. sana malagpasan ko kasi pagod na pagod na ko. Gusto ko ng magpahinga.

Madaya sya. Alam kong maraming bagay doon, kung nasaan man sya ngayon, ang magtuturo sa kanya upang makalimot. Baka nga limot na nya ako. Maraming gimikan, maraming inuman, maraming kasiyahan, maraming babae.lahat ng yan, pwedeng maging paraan para mawala na ako ng tuluyan. Kung ganon man, dalangin ko na lang ang maging masaya sya.

Mahal ko pa rin sya. Sa bawat araw, siya parin yung hinhintay ako.Umaasa na babalikan nya ako. Alam kong imposible na yon.tulad ng sabi ko, tanga lang talga ako. Sa pinapakita at pinapadama nya sa akin, natutunan ko ang halaga ko. Kailangan ko lang talagang matanggap ng buong buo dito sa aking puso na wala na talaga... iniwan na nya akong nag-iisa. Oo, mahal ko pa sya, at tulad ng sabi ko, pinapalaya ko na sya. Kaya ngayon, sana mapalaya ko na rin ang sarili ko. Sana matuto ulit akong maging malakas at matutong magmahal. Sana balang araw, sa susunod na pagkakataong, ipagkakatiwala ko ang puso ko, doon sa taong tunay na mamahalin ako. Kasi ayoko ng paulit ulit mamatay.

....

hindi porke pinili nyang magkaibigan lang kayo ay di ka na nya mahal.. Hindi mo lang alam mas HIGIT ka nyang mahal dahil pinili nya kung saan kayo magtatagal.=)

Yes No

May mga bagay na hindi ko alam kung tama o mali; mga bagay na oo o hindi; mga bagay na sige lang o huwag. May mga bagay na hindi ko alam kung dapat o hindi...mga bagay na paniniwalaan o pababayaan; mga bagay na dapat bang panindigan or kalimutan na lang; mga bagay na dapat hawakan or bitawan.; mga bagay na dapat ipaglawan o bitawan na lang.

Alin man ang piliin ko...kailangan ko munang maging handa. Sa pagdating ng araw na yon, i know, there will be no turning back.=(

magkaibigan na kayo ngayong wala na tayo

sakit naman na magkaibigan na kayo ngayong wala na tayo. alam ko wala naman akong karapatan para masaktan..pero nasasaktan ako. nararamdaman ko lalo na wala ka na sa akin. ayaw mo na nga akong kausapin eh. ayaw mo na ba talaga sa akin? wala na ba talga akong halaga sa iyo? wala ka na ba talagang pakialam sa akin? wala ka na ba talgang natitirang pagmamahal sa akin? mas kailangan mo na ba sya ngayon? mas masaya ka ba ngayon kasi magkaibigan na kayo ulit? nasasaktan ako. ang sakit sakit.

love love love

wala lang.basta love love love lang... bahala na.

di ako makapagfocus sa last critique ko kasi ang daming lumilipad sa isip ko plus ng nararamdaman ko.=(

A special day on my own

Monthsary sana namin ngayon. 15 months na sana kami kung kami pa...special sana sya sa aming dalawa pero ngayon, ako na lang ang nakakaalala. ang saya sana. ngunit napapalitan ito ng lungkot dahil maaalala ko din na wala na pala akong kasama na pahalagahan ito. ngayon, ang tanging natira ay isang buwang alaala ng paghihiwalay. masakit pa rin. ganoon pa rin. parang kahapon lang. sana di na lang nangyari. sana kami pa. sana di nalang nya pinili. sana masaya kong naibabalita sa kaya mga bagay na importante sa akin. sana nararamdaman ko yung saya sa pagkamit ng lahat ng tagumpay sa buhay. sana hindi pa rin sya nagbabago sa nararamdaman nya sa akin kahit ganito na kami ngayon kasi walang nagbago. ako patin yung nakilala nya at minahal nya. kailangan ko lang hayaan sya at tiisin lahat ng ito kasi alam kong iyon ang gusto nya. ganito pala kapag ang alam mo sa pagmamahal ay iyong marunong magparaya at umunawa. ganito pala palagi kapag marunong kang magmahal, lahat tinitiis para makita lang syang masaya. ganito din pala ito kasakit.

ngayon ko lang naranasan ito, na punong puno ako ng problema at kasama non ay sobrang labo ng daan na tinatahak ko. ngayon ko lang din naramdaman na parang sasabog ako. at ngayon ko lang din naramadaman ang tunay na nawalan. ganon pala iyon kapag masyado kang nagmahal. minsan mararamdan na bakit madaya ang pagkakataon? bakit ganito? bakit ganon? pero sa kabila ng lahat, ayoko paring bumitaw. nilalabanan ko parin ang laban na ipinangako ko sa kanya, kahit ako na lang. kaysa naman pareho kaming bumitaw. alam ko kailangan lang nya ng panahon at pang unawa. hindi nya kailangan ng isa pang taong magpapahirap sa kanyang sitwasyon. ayokong gawin iyon. ayoko syang nahihirapan. ayoko syang nasasaktan. ang labo ano? ang labo ko? pero alam kong hindi. kasi alam kong malinaw pa rin ang paniniwala ko sa aming pagmamamahal at pinagsamahan. alam kong kailanman walng kayang pumatay noon. alam kong hindi lahat ay nakakahanap ng taong magmamahal sa kanila at mamamhalin din sila. alam kong minsan lang dumating sa buhay iyon.

tanga ba ako? siguro nga. pero ganon pa rin yon. wala namang tama at matalino sa pagmamamahal. pag matalino ka, at hindi puso ang ginamit mo sa relasyon mo sa isang tao, wala iyong saysay. kapag sarili lang ang inisip mo, hindi ka magiging masaya. alam ko lahat ng ito. wag nyong sabihing bata pa ako. 23 na ako. marami na rin akong naranasan sa buhay ng higit pa sa naranasan ng mga kasing edad ko.

ngayon, march 11, 15 months ko na syang minamahal. ngayon din nalalapit ang aking kaarawan. isa lang naman ang hiling ko. alam na iyon ng Diyos. At handa akong maghintay kung kailan nya iyon ibibigay. kahit sa susunod na kaarawan ko..kahit sa susunod pang mga taon..basta alam kong ibibigay nya iyo. maghihintay ako. patuloy parin ako kung sino ako at kung ano ako. patuloy parin akong magtitiwala at magmamamahal.

Naniniwala ako sa kanya. Hgit kanino man, alam ko kung ano nararanasan at nararamdaman nya. Magbest friend nga kami diba? Alam ko kung gaano kahirap. Alam ko din na kahit nagpapakasaya sya at ineenjoy nya ang lugar nya, alam ko sa bawat gabi, nararamdaman din nya kung gaano kasakit. Alam ko yon. kasi alam ko, sa pagmamamahal namin, hindi lang nmn ako ang nagmahal, alam ko ding totoo nya akong minahal.At alam kong ang pagmamahalan namin ay hindi kayang pawiin ng ganon ganon na lang.

Siguro, kailangan nya lang talga na bumitaw, para sa susunod, matututo na syang humawak ng mahigpit. Siguro kailangan lang nyang mawala, para sa susunod, hinding hindi n nya iyon gagawin. Siguro kailangan lang mangyari itong lahat,para sa susunod, marunong na kaming magpahalaga. Tama sya, panahon lang ang makakapagsabi kung para saan lahat ng ito. Sana sa pagdating ng panahon na iyon, pareho kaming masaya, at alam kong magiging masaya kung pareho naming matatagpuan ulit ang isa't isa.

US VISA

I received my visa now. it feels good thus lessened my tiredness. well, I just feel happy for having this visa. But I hope to have plans soon. As of now, everything is still unclear.

If only our love is Math

If only I can equate all the things that happened to us to something free of pain, I have done it.

If only I can find a solution to the things that torn us apart, I have solved it.

If only I can integrate what was left today, I have done calculus so I can bring back the original function, where both of us share our variables.

If only I can add all the love pleasures in the world, I have gave them to you.

If only I can multiply all the strength that was left inside me, I have collected all the factors of courage, so I can stand again.

If only I can subtract all my worries, I have find the difference so I have all the optimism of a future for both of us.

If only I can divide my heart, I have shared my quotient so I won't find and feel I am broken.

If only I can raise another exponent of love, I have taken the nth power so I will feel no more pain but only love.

If only our love is Math, I will gladly take the challenge to solve all the problems and failures; and I won't get tired of finding possible solutions.

If only it is Math, I know what happened between us will be resolved for there will be a definite solution.

One day

I wish one day as he goes on in his life,he may find a glimpse of me. A memory in his heart that will tell him how much he was loved by me.

I wish one day, he'll tell me that he is wrong for leaving me..

I wish one day he'll come back so will not leave me again.

I wish one day he'll realize that I am the one he really needs.

I wish one day, he'll be mine again.

I wish one day, we'll never be apart.

I wish one day, all my wishes will come true.

Saddest Part

One of the saddest part of life is keeping yourself busy and pusing yourself to the limit all day and when you get home, lying in bed., you'll discover that after all you've done to forget, you are still in that very same situation you're trying to escape.=(

i'll prove to you once again..how much I love you.

we parted ways...you parted your from mine...i tried to hold on but you told me I've got no way to bring it back. i love you but you love yourself...despite of all the pains, i still have no hatred. Again and forever, I will prove to you how much I do love you...no matter how hard, I'll prove that I love you by letting you go..by setting you free... free from the love that binds us together..free from the love that inspires both of us... free from the love that brings out the best in us... and now, I am setting you free.. free from me.. aways from me.. Maybe this is how you want it to be..

Before i let you go, remember this, I love you.. I love you so much that I can sacrifice myself for your happiness. I love you enough to still pray for you. Goodluck my dearest, you've been a wonderful part of my life.

I am sorry for it has to end this way. I am sorry though I've done nothing wrong.. I am sorry for I can't satisfy you for what i can oly have. I am sorry for I am not capable of a life that will content you and so not to wish for greener pasture. I am sorry for I am just Josh who only knew love for you.

Again, my testimony of love to you I offer, I love you and my love for you will set you free. see you in the future. I'll see you but you have to promise me that you have to prove me that you made the right decision. Cause I do not want to regret the day that I set you free. May may you always remember how much i loved you whenever it seems your world becomes so painful,,remember how much I have cared whenever you feel no one cares...remember how much you are to me whenever you feel noone is there. remember I am here... whom you can always lean andd count on. I am still your friend like I have promised.And I will wait for the time you are ready to be my friend. I am josh.. and I remain.

Called my Auntie thru magic Jack

I borrowed the magic jack from ate aubrey until tues. I have to call my aubtie re important matters. Then my father and my auntie talked about the land here in Bacolor. My auntie said, she will give her share to me. And she wants me to work with the papers. I do nt know where to start. If ever I'll have their share. well, I will be very lucky. Our land here in Bacolor is the biggest land area in the whole barangay. I need to have legal assistance.

i have to accept it with all the pieces of my broken heart...

Today is March 6, 13 days before my birthday. Before, I used to have a count down and be excited to this special day of my life...but today, I know it is just 13 days and I'll be 23. the difference is, i am not excited. It is just you can't find way to celebrate when you know you are still grieving.

Today, from this very day...I have to accept my fate. He do not love me anymore and I have no value for him. I have to realize it. Walang taong nagmamahal ang kayang tiisin ang taong mahal nya. But he can. It hurts. it deeply hurts me. but i have to accept...HINDI NA NIYA AKO MAHAL. i have to accept with all that's left in my heart. I have to set him free. I have to set him free inside my heart.

Soon, he will replace me, and I know it will hurt more...sana ako muna ang matutong magmahal muli bago mangyari ito. because if it will be before me, baka di ko makaya. But if this will happen, I hope he can find someone who can love him more than I did. Sana alagaaan nya ang taong pinakamamahal ko...

again dhie, I still want you to be happy and if being without me will make you the happiest, I have to set you free, no matter how painful,, no matter how it will shatter my life.. This is how great my love for you. Too sad, you were not bale to realize and keep me.

Maraming salamat sa iyo sa isang taong pinasaya at pinasigla mo ang buhay ko, alam ko, kapalit nito, ilang taong paghihirap. Paalam na sa iyo at sa mga alaala ng pagmamahal. Nawa'y matupad mo lahat ng minimithi mo at sa huli'y maging masaya ka sa lahat lahat. Patunayan mo sa akin na karapat dapat nga akong bitiwan. Patunayan mong mas masaya ka ngayon.Dahil masasaktan lang lalo ako kapag naging walang saysay lang ang pagtanngap ko sa pag-alis mo. Goodbye dhie. I have to leave you now because you have left me too. I have to step away now cause you arealdy did. maraming salamat.God bless you.

...

keeping silent and ignoring everything that concerns me...i do not know how it is possible or someone whom you thought have loved you so much. if only i can do it too. if only i can. I have done it from the very start. I do not know how love fades in just a little time. Is that how shallow is love given for me?

I cry everyday..it is hard accomplishing things especially if you feel so bad. I find myself doing my projects and then suddenly cry. para akong tanga na iniiyakan ang computer. para akong tanga na ako lang ang nasasaktan. I cry not only because i am just hurting..it comes deeper. I cry because I know I lost myself. I cry because I miss myself. I cry because I am broken. It is barely one month since he decided to take our seperate lives. And I want to freed myself from the pain that I have now. I pray a lot. I ask for guidance. I ask for strenght. But I am still stuck and imprisoned with the love I have. the same love that cause me pain.

People might get tired of hearing that I am not fine that is why I always tell them that I am ok...though I know deep inside me, I am almost giving up. As much as i can, I do not talk about what i feel to people now, because they will repeatedly hear me "im in pain". I do not want them seeing me in pain and weak. especially my father. if only he knows what I am going through now, maybe he may understand me. if only he knows that I am almost dying, maybe he will embrace me and cry with me. But i rather keep it to him because I am ashame of having failed relationship again. I am ashame that I lost it. I am ashame of myself. I also do not want him to know because I know he will be hurt too, cause he hevae loved him too. My father accepted him as his own child morethan anyone else before. I am sad.

I still wake up each day feeling so bad and crying and also ends my day the same way. How long will I experience this? Bakit ganito pa rin sa kabila ng pagtanggap ko na wala na talga? Bakit umiiyak pa rin ako? Bakit iniiyakan ko pa rin sya kahit alam kong hindi man nya nararamdaman ang nararamdaman ko?Kung pwede ko lang isigaw lahat lahat. Ngunit hanggang pagsusulat lang ang kaya kong gawin? Sino ba nman ang makikinig? sino ba naman ang magtitiyagang umintindi? wala naman.

Everyday I pray that may God take all th pains that I have kasi punong puno na ko. I want to heal my heart but the irony is, the person who have caused this pain is also the same person who can take it away. i hate myself for still loving him.

A kiss to death.

I hate it when I cry. I hate it when I am alone. I hate it cause it reminds me I am still broken. Ayoko na. ayoko ng umiyak..ayoko ng nasasaktan ako. Ayoko ng nakikita ang sarili ko ng ganito. Bakit kahit anong gawin kong paglaban sa nararamdaman ko hindi parin ako makawala sa pagmamahal na ito? Bakit kahit ilang beses nyang ipamukha sa akin sa akin ang sitwasyon at ang desisyon nya, umaasa pa rin ako? Bkit kahit ilang ulit ko mang kalimutang nasasatan ako iton parin ang nararamdaman ko? Bakit?!!!! Tinatanggap ko na diba? tinatanggap ko ng wala na sya? Pero bkit ganito? Bakit ako lang ang nasasaktan? diba kaming dalawa ang nagmamahalan? pinapadama lang niya na wala akong halaga.na kahit sino kayang kaya akon iwanan.. Akala ko mahal nya ako. Hindi pala...hindi ganon kalalim at katibay. dahil hindi nya ako sasaktan ng ganito at hahayang magkaganito kung mahal niya ako.

Lord, ayoko na. kung hindi na nya ako babalikan, turuan mo akong maging masaya ulit. kung hindi na sya babalik, turuan mo akong maging malakas. turuan mo akong tanggapin ang sakit. Lord, heal my heart. Help me in my battle kasi hirap na hirap na ako. Turuan mo kong sumuko na. Lord, please, carry me now. Gusto ko ng sumuko sa lahat ngbagay. dahil pagod na pagod nako. Heal my heart. Bless my soul. Take my life. I want to rest in your arms.

Biyahe

Patungo akong Maynila,..tahimik maliban sa ingay ng makina at takbo ng sasakyan...dito maraming bagay ang sumasagi sa aking isip; maraming mga realidad ang aking naiisip; maraming damdamin ang aking lalong nadarama; marami....

Bigla nalang pumasok sa isip ko ang mga bagay na sinasabi nilang swerte ako dahil mayroon ako..iniisa isa ko ang mga ito. OO, maswerte ako dahil kasama ko ang mga mahal kong magulang, sa hirap at ginhawa. Maswerte ako dahil nandyan ang mga taong nagmamahal at sumusuporta sa akin. Maswerte ako dahil sa mga nakamit ko sa buhay at pilit pang kinakamit. Maswerte din ako dahil hindi ako pinapabayaan ng Diyos.

Habang iniisa isa ko lahat ng mga ito, sumagi din sa isip ko na kabila ng lahat ng pagmamahal, sa kabila ng tagumpay...may isang bagay na paulit ulit na nangyayari sa akin...na kahit anong gawin ko ay di ko maiwasan...ito ay ang iwan ako ng mga taong minahal ko...mga taong minsan ay hiniling kong sana ay "siya na lang."

Ngunit, talaga atang ito ang isang bagay na hindi ko mapagtagumpayan sa kabila ng lahat ng pagmamahal at pagaaruga na ibinibigay ko. Palaging may kulang..palaging may mali...palaging hindi pwede...Palagi din akong tinatalikuran..ipinagpapalit sa mga bagay na siguro ay higit pa sa akin...Bilang isang tao,,,isang babae..isang nagmamahal... masakit ang ikaw ay iwanan lalo na sa panahong higit mong kailangan ang especial na taong walang ibang mamahalin kundi ikaw. Masakit din ang ipagpalit ka sa alam mong hindi mo kayang ibigay. Masakit ang mawala ka na lang bigla sa buhay nya.

Ngayon, naulit-ulit ang isang bagay na hiniling ko na huwag mangyari sa akin..sa amin. Habang nasa daan, hindi ko napansin na umiiyak na pala ako, kaya pala nakatingin sa akin ang katabi ko sa sasakyan. Nasasaktan ako...hindi ko kinakaila. Patuloy parin yung sakit na nararamdaman ko dahil alam kong ito ay hindi simpleng bagay na kapag ayaw mo na ay pwede ng itapon. Ang nawala sa akin ay isang pagmamahal na masasabi kong akin lamang.isang pagmamahal na sana ay para sa akin lamang...Nakalulungkot..Nakasasakit...nakapanghihinayang..

Ngunit ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko? Ilang simbahan man ang puntahan ko para magdasal..ilang gabi man akong umiyak...ilang araw man akong mawala..ilang beses man akong magsumamo..upang siya'y bumalik...ay wala na. wala ng saysay. wala na akong magagawa..dahil buong buo na ang desisyon nito...kailangan ko ng sumuko dahil wala na akong kasama sa laban na ipinaglalaban ko. Siguro ay ganon na lang talga.Siguro hanggang ganon lang ang aking halaga. Siguro nga ang pag-ibig ay hindi para sa akin.

Alam kong alam ko kung paano magmahal...at alam ko din kung paano magbigay...magsakripisyo at umunawa... Ngunit sa kabila ng mga ito, ako ay hindi pa rin sapat. Naisip ko, sana hindi nalang ako si JOSH. buti pa ang iba na hindi marunong magmahal ay ipinaglalaban at hindi binibitawan. Mabuti pa ang iba na masaya sa piling na mhal nila. Sana hindi nalang ako si JOSH na sinasabi ngang matalino pero tanga pagdating sa pagmamahal. Sana hindi nalang ako ito na marunong magmahal para hindi nalang ako nasasaktan. Sana hindi na ako nahihirapan ng ganito. Sana... Pero hindi ako nagsisisi sa kung ano mang pagmamahal ang naibigay ko dahil alam kong ito sa huli'y ang magkukumpleto sa aking buhay. Hindi ako magiging malakas kung walang pagsubok na dinadaanan.

Malapit na ako sa pupuntahan ko, ng maalala kong hindi pa pala siya nawala sa buhay ko. Dahil sa kabila ng sakit at paghihirap na nararamdaman ko, ay nandito parin sya sa puso ko. Siya parin yung BF ko... boyfriend ko..bestfriend ko...Dahil kahit binitawan nya ko, mahal na mahal ko parin siya. Dahil kahit patuloy akong nasasaktan, alam kong patuloy parin akong magmamahal. Ganito siguro ang tadhana para sa akin. Hindi swerte sa pagmamahal.

Sana sa sususnod kong biyahe, wala ng sakit...wala ng iwanan. Sana sa bawat tagumpay at pagkabigo, may karamay ako...karamay na hinding hindi magsasawang magmahal at magpatuloy sa buhay na kasama ako... kahit gaano man iyon kahirap..kahit gaano man yon kasakit... dahil ako, hindi ako magsasawang magmamahal..magsakripisyo at umunawa...dahil ako..alam ko..tunay ang pagmamamahal ko. sana sa susunod na biyahe ko...panatag na ang loob ko na kailanman ay hindi ako mag-iisa.

Paano

Paano ba ipakita sa lahat na OK lang ako kung alam kong hindi yon totoo? Paano ba papatunayan na kaya ko pa kung sa bawat araw nanghihina na ako. paano ba maging malakas kung sa bawat oras ay nakikita kong umiiyak ang sarili ko? Paano ba maging matatag kung ang bawat magandang nangyayari sa buhay ko ay laging may kapalit na sakit at kabiguan? paano ba maging masaya kung alam kong ang tanging dasal ko ay binawi na? paano pa ba magmamhal kung sa bawat tibok ng puso ko at nasasaktan ako? Paano pa ba magtitiwala kung sa bawat hawakan ko ay binibitawan ako? Paano pa ba ako magsisimula kung ang lahat ng pangarap ko ay bigla na lang naglaho? Paano pa ba mangarap kung ang pinapangarap mo ay hinding hindi mo na makakamit pa? Paano pa ba maghihintay kung alam kong wala akong hinihintay? Paano pa kung wala kana?