Goodnight Poem for Dhie.

Take me in the sweetness of your lullabies;

Where I can sleep sound tonight,

Your voice in my ear you whisper

A love that I'll hold till forever.

Take me in the tenderness of your kisses,

Where my worries cease.

Your lips in mine will forget the fears

A love that I'll own forever.

Take me in the softness of your embrace

Where I can feel your warm caress.

Your arms promise a shelter

A love that I'll live with forever.

Take me in to your heart

Where I find my place at peace,

Your heart's beats assures my life

A love that I'll breath in forever.

Biyahe

Patungo akong Maynila,..tahimik maliban sa ingay ng makina at takbo ng sasakyan...dito maraming bagay ang sumasagi sa aking isip; maraming mga realidad ang aking naiisip; maraming damdamin ang aking lalong nadarama; marami....

Bigla nalang pumasok sa isip ko ang mga bagay na sinasabi nilang swerte ako dahil mayroon ako..iniisa isa ko ang mga ito. OO, maswerte ako dahil kasama ko ang mga mahal kong magulang, sa hirap at ginhawa. Maswerte ako dahil nandyan ang mga taong nagmamahal at sumusuporta sa akin. Maswerte ako dahil sa mga nakamit ko sa buhay at pilit pang kinakamit. Maswerte din ako dahil hindi ako pinapabayaan ng Diyos.

Habang iniisa isa ko lahat ng mga ito, sumagi din sa isip ko na kabila ng lahat ng pagmamahal, sa kabila ng tagumpay...may isang bagay na paulit ulit na nangyayari sa akin...na kahit anong gawin ko ay di ko maiwasan...ito ay ang iwan ako ng mga taong minahal ko...mga taong minsan ay hiniling kong sana ay "siya na lang."

Ngunit, talaga atang ito ang isang bagay na hindi ko mapagtagumpayan sa kabila ng lahat ng pagmamahal at pagaaruga na ibinibigay ko. Palaging may kulang..palaging may mali...palaging hindi pwede...Palagi din akong tinatalikuran..ipinagpapalit sa mga bagay na siguro ay higit pa sa akin...Bilang isang tao,,,isang babae..isang nagmamahal... masakit ang ikaw ay iwanan lalo na sa panahong higit mong kailangan ang especial na taong walang ibang mamahalin kundi ikaw. Masakit din ang ipagpalit ka sa alam mong hindi mo kayang ibigay. Masakit ang mawala ka na lang bigla sa buhay nya.

Ngayon, naulit-ulit ang isang bagay na hiniling ko na huwag mangyari sa akin..sa amin. Habang nasa daan, hindi ko napansin na umiiyak na pala ako, kaya pala nakatingin sa akin ang katabi ko sa sasakyan. Nasasaktan ako...hindi ko kinakaila. Patuloy parin yung sakit na nararamdaman ko dahil alam kong ito ay hindi simpleng bagay na kapag ayaw mo na ay pwede ng itapon. Ang nawala sa akin ay isang pagmamahal na masasabi kong akin lamang.isang pagmamahal na sana ay para sa akin lamang...Nakalulungkot..Nakasasakit...nakapanghihinayang..

Ngunit ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko? Ilang simbahan man ang puntahan ko para magdasal..ilang gabi man akong umiyak...ilang araw man akong mawala..ilang beses man akong magsumamo..upang siya'y bumalik...ay wala na. wala ng saysay. wala na akong magagawa..dahil buong buo na ang desisyon nito...kailangan ko ng sumuko dahil wala na akong kasama sa laban na ipinaglalaban ko. Siguro ay ganon na lang talga.Siguro hanggang ganon lang ang aking halaga. Siguro nga ang pag-ibig ay hindi para sa akin.

Alam kong alam ko kung paano magmahal...at alam ko din kung paano magbigay...magsakripisyo at umunawa... Ngunit sa kabila ng mga ito, ako ay hindi pa rin sapat. Naisip ko, sana hindi nalang ako si JOSH. buti pa ang iba na hindi marunong magmahal ay ipinaglalaban at hindi binibitawan. Mabuti pa ang iba na masaya sa piling na mhal nila. Sana hindi nalang ako si JOSH na sinasabi ngang matalino pero tanga pagdating sa pagmamahal. Sana hindi nalang ako ito na marunong magmahal para hindi nalang ako nasasaktan. Sana hindi na ako nahihirapan ng ganito. Sana... Pero hindi ako nagsisisi sa kung ano mang pagmamahal ang naibigay ko dahil alam kong ito sa huli'y ang magkukumpleto sa aking buhay. Hindi ako magiging malakas kung walang pagsubok na dinadaanan.

Malapit na ako sa pupuntahan ko, ng maalala kong hindi pa pala siya nawala sa buhay ko. Dahil sa kabila ng sakit at paghihirap na nararamdaman ko, ay nandito parin sya sa puso ko. Siya parin yung BF ko... boyfriend ko..bestfriend ko...Dahil kahit binitawan nya ko, mahal na mahal ko parin siya. Dahil kahit patuloy akong nasasaktan, alam kong patuloy parin akong magmamahal. Ganito siguro ang tadhana para sa akin. Hindi swerte sa pagmamahal.

Sana sa sususnod kong biyahe, wala ng sakit...wala ng iwanan. Sana sa bawat tagumpay at pagkabigo, may karamay ako...karamay na hinding hindi magsasawang magmahal at magpatuloy sa buhay na kasama ako... kahit gaano man iyon kahirap..kahit gaano man yon kasakit... dahil ako, hindi ako magsasawang magmamahal..magsakripisyo at umunawa...dahil ako..alam ko..tunay ang pagmamamahal ko. sana sa susunod na biyahe ko...panatag na ang loob ko na kailanman ay hindi ako mag-iisa.

quite nervous

I am quite nervous for what willhappen tomorrow. well, it is like a jusgement day that will somehow tell of the next stpes that I will take. I pray for God's grace and blessings. I believe He knows what is best for me.

I am thankful for all the few persons who support me. There ony few who knew about it and i choose not to mention it. But today, I am seeking for prayers that whatever I am into, I will have what is best for me.

Now I am ready.I am willing.

No matter how many times he will ignore me or times he will say goodbye...No matter how people may look at me the way I handle my emotions. No matter how may people will say to forget him..No matter how many times I'll be hurt..I know one thing I cannot control...to continuously love him.

Yes, it is hurting and pains somehow paralyzed my days. But these pains continuously prove to me how much I love him.how much I am willing to understand his ways...how much I trust his decisions..and how much I respect him.

I do not know now, how is he? If he is fine.or if he finds peace..I do not know if giving me up really helps me a lot. I do not know how much I am to him..or if he still loves me. i do not know. Despite of what happened between us, I still care. I still love.

I failed another battle of my life and it is the greatest failure I ever had. It is when you have settled your dreams with him..you have made your plans with him..and then..you'll find losing them..in a moment.. My path seems to be blurry.Though I still find light by what I deeply feel for him. My faith in God helps me a lot. I believe God is just preparing better for me..for him...and maybe for us.

I asked myself, am I ready to be a friend to the one you love? I am always a friend eversince. And now, with this situation, for several days, I ask the same question as I embrace each moments of pain and tears... Am I ready... well..who am to refuse? If I cannot love him as my lover..I can love him as my friend. I realized not to waste the memories we had. I do not want to trash the trust we had for each other. I do not want to leave our story no where. Besides, he is one of the persons who mean so much and I cannot afford to lose.

"Well, my dear giddy..my dear dhie.. I am your friend whom you want me to be. I can be here whenever you need someone to understand you...to support you..to hear your stories.. to celebrate your success or cheer you up whenever you are down. I am just here. Josh will never change. I will always be the same josh who cares for you so much. I am just here. you know where and how to reach me when you are ready. I do not know if you will read this or someone may read this for you.

I am babyjosh...and I am your friend."

Still my friend

I wish for the day, that we'll be friends again...when all the pains subside and when everything can be embraced without pains but only happiness and acceptance.I know it will be soon..I might lose you as my lover but you will always be a friend inside me. Please wait for me to heal and may you please embrace me when I am ready to be your friend. Maybe that time I can still love you...even just for being a friend. I wish for that day, you will also open your heart to me.

daddy

daddy...

I woke up when I received your mail. If only in reality I know you are still mine, I would be the happiest. But today, it still put a little smile to my struggles.I would like to believe you still love me.

Today is another day that i will struggle for pains. I wish I never had this coz i am torn into pieces.I want to be strong like how you want me to be, but I still do not know where to get that strength. I love you dhie. so much. I can't find myself any anger, any hate for what happened to us cause all I have for you is love.

I love you dhie.forever I will set this heart for you. And if ever you find no place for me, I will still forever thank you for you've given me one chance of loving you. I am thankful for atleast once you are mine. I can't do anything if yourheart decides to let me go, maybe your love is not enough to hold me tight. But you know what? I want to hold even the slightest possibility that one day, you'll comeback to me..and I hope it wont be that long.

blogging is my only way on how to tell you how much I feel now. I do not know if it will help you or make it hard for you, but all I know is that this is my only way on how to tell you that i am always here. Understanding you even to the wildest of your decisions..even to the hardness and bitterness of our relation. I wish someday, I can still call you mine. I wish you can still feel emptiness cause I am not in your heart. I wish you still find my presence and love cause these fill your days. Oh, Lord, all I can do is wish.

I love you dhie.I lied when I say, I can let you go. I lied when I say, goodbye..Cuase I know deep within me...I can't. I love you always. I will wait for the day you'll tell me that you still love me...My arms are always open to embrace you back. This is how great my love for you. I love you.again and again.

A Prayer

Dear Lord,

I have so much pains and questions now. How a love so true did ended without a fight? How did he forget his promises? How could he throw away all the things we have built? How could he break my heart? How could this trial fail when You thought me how to be confident of the love we had? Please let me know and understand all the things that are happening right now. I do not understand how something so good can suddenly end up the way it is today. Lord, we were so in love. It was just him and me, only the two of us, and it was enough or let me say more than enough to bring out the best of our dreams. Isn’t it, he was your gift to me and me to him? Isn’t it he is the answer to my prayers? Why are You taking him away from me? Tell me where I have gone wrong? Didn’t I kept my promise that I will take care and love him? Didn’t I love him in all the ways I’ve learned Your love? Isn’t it I begged to You that You’ll leave him to me? Isn’t it he was the one I asked from you? Do I not deserve true love? Do I not deserve to feel someone fights for me? Why do you always make me feel I am not worthy? Yes, You made me happy but soon for you to take it away from me.

Lord, didn’t You make him realize my worth? Didn’t You include me in his plans? Didn’t You let him realize that true love comes only once? Didn’t You let him know that I am not asking for anything more than what he can give? Didn’t You tell him that I am the one for him? Isn’t it that is what you told me when we talked? That is why I never hesitate to sacrifice more? Didn’t You tell him that I am fighting for him? Didn’t You tell him that my world will shatter if he leaves me? Isn’t it You told him to take care of me? To love me? And to never leave me? Didn’t You let him realize that life is worth living with someone who loves him so much…so much more than anyone can give him? Didn’t You tell that to him? Isn’t it those are what You told me to do for him? That is why I am still here...Keeping my promise to You. More than anyone else, I trust you. But Lord, why am I broken now?

How can he suddenly give me up? Am I any ordinary girl whose worth is lesser than achievements, of dreams? Am I not enough to be reason to keep him holding on? Does my love isn’t enough to keep fighting for? Isn’t it love conquers all? Why these things happen now?

Please help me Lord, I really do not know what to do. I am lost. You are my way and the only You who can bring back what was lost. I have given everything I could and there is nothing I can give. I have done my part. I have went down my pride and beg for his love. I kneel before you, crushed, shattered, in pain, weak, afraid, and broken. Help me make him realize the worth of our love and of our promises. Make him realize my worth. Please guide him. Make his path clear. Light up his mind so he can decide clearly. Share with him more of the love I have for him, so he can carry it everywhere he goes….make it as his strength in his decisions. Please include me in his plans. Make him reminisce all that we had. Make him back to me.

I offer to You my wounded heart, my broken dreams. I know You are the only way and the One who will define us. Let me keep holding on. I surrender to You my life, for the pain I have now is unbearable. Carry me now to Your loving hands and let me live again with so much love and hope.

Lord, You know how much I love him. Let him always hold that. I love you Lord. To You, I rest my case because I trust You.

Kung pwede lang

Kung pwede lang kitang mayakap para muli mong maramdaman ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo. Kung pwede lang kitang hagkan upang malaman mo ang lalim ng pagibig ko.

Kung pwede lang tawirin ang layo sa pagitan natin, noon pa'y ginawa ko na.

Kung alam ko lang ang paraan upang mawala ang sakit ng nararamandaman ko maliban sa iyong pagbalik,

Kung alam ko lang kung paano ka babalik

Kung alam ko lang...lahat ginawa ko na. dahil hirap na hirap ako ngayong wala ka...ngayon iniwanan mo ko. mahal na mahal kita dhie. mahal na mahal.para akong sira na gustong magmakaawa sa iyo..kahit man lang sana awa na lang.pero alam ko buo na ang desisyon mo. kung alam mo lang kungpaano ko pigilan ang sarili ko na tawagan ka, iemail ka, dahil alam ko kailangan mong mawala na ako sa iyo. Alam ko ako ang sagabal sa lahat ng plano mo. Kung sanang kaya kong baguhin ang mundo. Gagawin kong ako na lang ang piliin mo. Ngunit lahat ng gusto ko, alam kong hindi ko magawa dahil hindi na ito ang gusto mo.

valentine's is never for me

kailan ba ako nagkaroon ng masayang Feb 14? wala! wala pa! this year is the worst..because my heart sores...my dreams failed...my life is now a mess.. I am wasted.

naiinis ako sa sarili ko..naawa ako...bakit nagkaganito? ang sakit sakit kasi!

bakit ba laging may sakit sa pagmamahal? Handa naman ako masaktan sa ibang paraan..hindi dahil sa paghihiwalay.! I hate myself! I wish I am those people who never know love. I wish I am numb! I wish I was not Josh. I wish I am dead.

Broken..wasted..

Still pain reigns inside me and that is the only thing I have now. I do not know how to mend this broken heart. I do not know how to live a life without him coz fromt he very day that we've been together, I've viewed my life living each day with him.

Alam ko na kahit anong gawin ko, wala na itong magagwa dahil buo na ang kanyang desisyon na iwanan na kung anong meron kami. Paano ba maging kaibigan lang sa taong mahal na mahal mo? He said he can be a person whom I want him tobe, paano kung ang tanging gusto ko ang ipinagkakait nya? Mahirap. Masakit.

Buong magdamag, maghapon, wala akong ginawa kung hindi umiyak, ayoko na sanang umiyak dahil alam kong hindi nito maibabalik ang taongmahal ko...ayoko na din sanag magsalita dahil wala na rin itong saysay..pero kailangan kong ilabas lahat ng sakit..kahit konti man lang mabawan ito dahil hindi lang ako punong puno ng sakit,umaapaw pa ito. wala ng paglagyan. Kung gaano ko sya minahal, ganoon din kadami ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Mahirap palang magmahal ng taong mas mahalaga ang pangarap kaysa sa iyo? Pwede namang mangarap na kasama ka. Pero mas mahirap ang maramdaman mong hindi ka pala nakakatulong sa kanya kundi ikaw pa ay nagiging pahirap mula sa pag-abot nya ng minimithing buhay. At mas mahirap tanggapin na umasa ka at naniwala na makakaya namin ito? Aanhin ko ang buhay na marangya kung kulang ito sa pagmamahal?

I am now askig God, why He is giving this to me? when all I asked is to leave my love to me. Isn't it I am accepting everything from Him? Isn't it I accpeted the responsibility He had given me? Isn't it I made all the sacrifices more than everyone can imagine? All I ask is leave him with me. Give him to me.for I know with him..I can handle things. I can tolerate pain...I find strength... Paano na ngayon? wala na? kinuha na ang natitirang lakas na meron ako? I thank God for makingme happy for the previous 14 months..They were really wonderful. But it is really painful to take them away from you.

I love Giddy so much..So much more than anyone can imagine. I though I have the perfect, if not, the right love. I thought I have him ad he is strong. But I am sad.. I am wrong..

Thank you so much for all the love you have given me. I will be forever thankful.

When your heart is broken

Hurting is what I feel right now. Masakit lang tanggapin na ganon ka lang kadaling bitawan at isuko sa laban. Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung gaano kasakit ang nararamdaman ko sa oras na ito. Kulang ang salita.Kulang ang iyak..Masakit mamatay ulit. My heart dies today. It succumbs to death once more and I find no way to make it live again coz I deeply know, the whole josh died too. It sounds exaggerated but it is really how it feels to lost the one whom you truly love and keep fighting for. Di ba nga't isinakripisyo ko ang maginhawang buhay para sa iyo? Hindi ba nga't ipinaglaban ko ang pagmamahalang ito? Hindi ba nga't ibinigay ko ang buhay ko para dito? Hindi ba? MAsakit na lahat ng ito ay mawawalan lalmang ng saysay. Pero isang malinaw lang na katotohanan, hinding hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang araw na lumaban, nagsakripisyo at nagmahal ako dahil kahit sandali lang ay naging masaya ako..saya na hindi ko naramdaman noong wala ka.But sabi nga, kung sino yung taong nagpapasaya sa iyo siya din yung taong magiging dahilan kung bakit ka malulungkot. Tunay akong nagmamahal bakit sa huli'y lagi na lang akongnasasaktan? Bakit hindi ako kayang ipaglaban? Bakit madali lang para isuko ako? Bakit laging may sakit? Mahirap lang lumaban kung yung taong ipinaglalaban mo ay sumuko na. Gusto pa sana kitang ipaglaban..Gusto pa sana kitang mahalin..kaya lang ayaw mona.